Re: IN ONE LONG NIGHT by Prince of Void	7-Dec-05/8:37 PM
This is probably the most poetic thing you've written. Change the nothing'll to nothing will and rework the last line. Also the 4th line could use a little tweak.
Re: Better Off Dead by wilco	7-Dec-05/3:50 PM
Capo 4
Re: a comment on Jesus, you I see by amanda_dcosta	7-Dec-05/3:44 PM
Exactly what are you saying, sir?
Re: Snake in the Grass by thepinkbunnyofdoom	5-Dec-05/1:54 PM
Is this to be sung to the tune of Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock & Roll"?
Re: YOUR OWN PLEASURE by Zoe	5-Dec-05/1:48 PM
What form is this? The repetition gets a little old (maybe just because there are so many stanzas...It's interesting and some of it is very pretty. I could stand to read a shorter version but I can live with it if you can. ;) Also, the title in all caps is a bit annoying...something of a no, no 'round here.
Re: The Dark by cyan9	5-Dec-05/1:42 PM
Another one that sounds like a Metallica song..try shortening it and tightening it up...there's about half of this that you don't need. I think people tend to make free verse poems longer than they need to be simply because they look too short. If you're not writing in a certain form that requires a certain number of lines, you probably don't need as much as you think.
Re: a comment on Popular Lovers by wilco	4-Dec-05/2:46 PM
Of course I did (and still do on occasion, but I don't think that Bon Jovi could rock his way out of a paper bag these days.
Re: a comment on Popular Lovers by wilco	4-Dec-05/2:45 PM
It's all Modest Mouse covers, or really interpretations is more the word. PUSA...a band I haven't thought about in a while.
Re: a comment on Popular Lovers by wilco	4-Dec-05/2:06 PM
In an unrelated comment...the new Sun Kil Moon album is amazing.
Re: a comment on Popular Lovers by wilco	4-Dec-05/1:44 PM
Bon Jovi?! Sir you have wounded me.
Re: a comment on Popular Lovers by wilco	4-Dec-05/1:43 PM
That is most definitely not what I'm doing.
Re: Duff firs, Nawal by zodiac	4-Dec-05/1:35 PM
An excellent post, as usual.
Re: Until the Façade Comes Down by TLRufener	4-Dec-05/1:31 PM
First off, don't start a poem with "there are no words" and "there is no way to explain how I feel"....If there's no words and there's no way to explain it why did you write it? Better yet, why am I reading it? This is a love letter, not a poem. It COULD be a poem if you look in there and find the poetry in it.
Re: Another Chapter by TLRufener	4-Dec-05/1:23 PM
Alright, lookit...you've got to get it out of your head that you have to rhyme to make a poem work. You're putting stuff in here just to make it rhyme. You could say this exact same thing with three lines and it would sound more poetic. It's not just horrible bad, but it's just not good either. It doesn't hold my attention, it doesn't make me think, and it doesn't make me think "yeah..I know what she's feeling...I've felt that way".
Re: Shoebox Thoughts by BrandonW	3-Dec-05/2:50 PM
I think that you could maybe turn this into a free verse and give a little more info..don't give so much that it paints a FULL picture, but I just don't think the Haiku form gives you enough to get much of anything across here.
Re: Through the channel by amanda_dcosta	3-Dec-05/1:26 PM
I'm not a big fan of rhyming in free verse...some can do it and do it well, but for most people it just keeps them bound. Why not try writing what you want to say without the rhyming scale.
Re: how did i forget that i have to go to work? by hendrimike	3-Dec-05/1:21 PM
I think you sacrificed a lot of the substance of what this could have been for the sake of rhyme. I'd suggest working on it and saying what you want to say without putting the burden of rhyme in there.
Re: forever mourning by outofdarkness138	3-Dec-05/1:16 PM
I'll be the first to admit that lyrics can be decieving because they may sound great with music. This just doesn't work too well on the page, though.
Re: Searching by celticskatermatt1	3-Dec-05/12:54 PM
Good grief, Charlie Brown...let's get a spell checker on this. "I rope would be tied"? - what the hell does that mean? Try putting a little thought into your poem...I think it took me longer to read it than it took you to write it.
Re: The Bus by Dovina	1-Dec-05/2:51 PM
aw naw, hush that fuss. Everybody move to the back of the bus. I really thought this was going to be about Rosa Parks or Jerome Bettis....anyway, not bad.