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The Dark (Free verse) by cyan9 Some people walk in shadows
And from a distance view the light,
Some people walk in the suns rays,
Some walk through the night.
But here in the heart of darkness:
Who is there to save you from your head?
There is no one to creep up on you,
There is no one for you to blame;
There is nothing, there is no one, there is fear.
Waiting for that day you sit and pray,
Waiting for the candle to dim,
Waiting, Cowering, Waiting.
You cannot really care for you,
You cannot fulfil your needs,
You are forced to fear being free,
Your terrors have become your delivery,
Fear has become your sanity.
Up the ladder:
Portals to you
Down the ladder:
You and I
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: December 5, 2005 5:45 AM PST; Last modified: December 5, 2005 3:25 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.119203 Overall Rank: 5666 Comments:
[7]
wilco @ 24.92.74.122
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5-Dec-05/1:42 PM
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Reply
Another one that sounds like a Metallica song..try shortening it and tightening it up...there's about half of this that you don't need. I think people tend to make free verse poems longer than they need to be simply because they look too short. If you're not writing in a certain form that requires a certain number of lines, you probably don't need as much as you think.
[n/a]
cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105
> wilco
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6-Dec-05/3:03 AM
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Reply
I think perhaps due to lack of clarity on my part you are likening this and "Dark's Nest" to metallica songs since they use repetition and simple dark vocabulary; however if you care to look, there is a lot more going on in these than an expulsion of anger to a few grinding riffs, and I think you have missed this. In order to express the picture as I wish to express it, the piece needs to contain each of the concepts involved. The only verse that is of extra length is the last, and this is to exaggerate the final nature of the last line; I would not consider reducing this in size. I have found haku's and short poems cute, but generally they provoke only one idea, and are over before you have had a chance to get into reading the piece, so you are advocating that style to the wrong ears (unless you can come up with examples that will allow me to reconsider)
A message similar the the end of the movie Jacob's Ladder. Sounds like an older poem of your's.
only 6 months or so ago, I was moving over from a dark to a light style, and so it is trying to be dark whilst still being light in a way.
Very dark indeed. Fear = sanity? Terror = delivery?
The semicolon and colon seem unnecessary.
The more I read this, the more I like it. Nice work.
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