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YOUR OWN PLEASURE (Other) by Zoe
A pleasure whose origin is to be placed outside us and in objects whose presence we cannot be sure of; a pleasure therefore that is precarious in itself, undermined by the fear of loss. —Michel Foucault I search for you in the city I search for you in the city, scan each face I pass, note each tree scan each face I pass, note each tree. I scan for you in the pass, note each city; I search each face in the tree. The bright shop window you’ll see, the bright shop window you’ll see with her: it’s strange that you’re so close with her: it’s strange that you’re so close The bright, her window; strange that you’ll close with its shop: see that you’re so. When it grows dark: the streets when it grows dark; the streets are a mass of bodies, lights and cars are a mass of bodies lights and cars. When the bodies a-mass, dark cars are it: the streets of grows and lights. You exist somewhere without; you exist somewhere without me in the heaving mess: me in the heaving mess. Me somewhere. Exist heaving. You in the mess without. I stop to buy a newspaper; I stop to buy a newspaper. Long columns of words remind me; long columns of words remind me. Me? I long to column a newspaper, stop to remind: buy of words. Long, striped fields outside Vienna, long striped fields outside Vienna; seen when I flew home early, seen when I flew home early. Long seen fields when Vienna flew; I striped home (outside early). You were to follow, but then— you were to follow, but then like now, something snapped inside me: like now, something snapped inside me. You follow now to inside, like me, but then you were something snapped. I foresee you alone: I foresaw you. Strange that you’ll close seeing field, word, light; heaving field, word, light. Long seen words snap alone: I am the fields that you light.

Up the ladder: Thankless
Down the ladder: Suburban Spleen

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Weighted score: 5.537883
Overall Rank: 2592
Posted: December 5, 2005 8:04 AM PST; Last modified: December 5, 2005 8:04 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] wilco @ 24.92.74.122 | 5-Dec-05/1:48 PM | Reply
What form is this? The repetition gets a little old (maybe just because there are so many stanzas...It's interesting and some of it is very pretty. I could stand to read a shorter version but I can live with it if you can. ;)

Also, the title in all caps is a bit annoying...something of a no, no 'round here.
[9] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > wilco | 6-Dec-05/1:40 AM | Reply
Paradelle?

'Billy Collins claimed that the paradelle was invented in eleventh century France, but he actually invented it himself to parody strict forms, particularly the villanelle. His sample paradelle, "Paradelle for Susan" (c1997), was intentionally terrible, completing the final stanza with the line "Darken the mountain, time and find was my into it was with to to".

When Collins first published the paradelle, it was with the footnote "The paradelle is one of the more demanding French fixed forms, first appearing in the langue d'oc love poetry of the eleventh century. It is a poem of four six-line stanzas in which the first and second lines, as well as the third and fourth lines of the first three stanzas, must be identical. The fifth and sixth lines, which traditionally resolve these stanzas, must use all the words from the preceding lines and only those words. Similarly, the final stanza must use every word from all the preceding stanzas and only these words."'
[n/a] Zoe @ 172.214.160.179 > zodiac | 6-Dec-05/5:33 AM | Reply
Yes that's right. I came across the paradelle recently. I really like the repetition and how something comes to new meaning by being repeated. Maybe it is a bit long, but what should I cut?
[9] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > Zoe | 6-Dec-05/5:42 AM | Reply
Nothing. We're easily distracted.

Does it bother you that the form you're taking seriously was invented as a mockery of serious form? I mean, I don't see why it would, I'm just curious. I think you're a better writer than Billy Collins, by the way.
[n/a] Zoe @ 172.214.160.179 > zodiac | 6-Dec-05/5:50 AM | Reply
Well I thought that it suited this poem as I was writing in a sequence of poems based on tarot symbols and the first one was The Fool. Also the poem is about a foolish person who invests all their happiness in another person and so is disappointed.
[9] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > Zoe | 6-Dec-05/5:54 AM | Reply
Several parts of your poem remind me of the time I tried to do this:
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=97027
[n/a] Zoe @ 172.214.160.179 > zodiac | 6-Dec-05/6:02 AM | Reply
Wow, I like your poem. It reminds me of a game that I used to play at my grandmother's house when I was a kid - she had a small statue of Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson standing over a dead body - weird I know - and underneath was the caption 'Are we too late Watson?'. I sed to enjoy putting teh words back to front etc etc:

Too late Watson are we
Too late Watson we are
we too late are Watson
Are late too Watson we

etc. etc.
[9] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > Zoe | 6-Dec-05/6:05 AM | Reply
PS-Are you still in Mexico? Do you know the carved church at Tonantzintla, near Cholula, Puebla?

http://tinyurl.com/aunyl
http://tinyurl.com/8k3g6
[n/a] Zoe @ 172.203.87.13 > zodiac | 6-Dec-05/10:31 AM | Reply
Not at the moment unfortunately. The church sounds wonderful, but didn't spend much tiem around Puebla. More Oaxaca and Chiapas way.
[9] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > Zoe | 7-Dec-05/1:08 AM | Reply
Yeah, I was looking at your pictures. Living in the Middle East (a ghostly sort of Latino beauty, if any,) always makes me want to move back to Mexico and do obvious things, like getting a flat in Coyoacan and eating tacos al pastor with a Bohemia.
[9] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > Zoe | 7-Dec-05/1:10 AM | Reply
PS-The breadth of your reading is amazing. What fiction are you reading now?
[n/a] Zoe @ 172.212.86.239 > zodiac | 7-Dec-05/3:27 AM | Reply
I'm about to start reading Zadie Smith's new book. I am not sure if I am going to like it, but I guess I should read it and find out. I also have the Booker Prize Winner to read - John Banville's The Sea.
[9] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 | 6-Dec-05/2:06 AM | Reply
What's up with all these capitalized titles?
[n/a] Zoe @ 172.214.160.179 > zodiac | 6-Dec-05/5:37 AM | Reply
Sorry I never know whether to capitalize or not but if there's a thing about it rould here I won't. I guess I use them because I often use epigraphs and funny little bits of info at teh beginning of poems so I use caps to make it look less messy.
[9] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > Zoe | 6-Dec-05/5:44 AM | Reply
We're used to things being messy. I blame nentwined's fixed-width font fixation for most of poemranker's intrinsic messiness. Yours was the third all-caps title I'd read in as many poems; that's why I asked.
[n/a] Zoe @ 172.214.160.179 > zodiac | 6-Dec-05/5:52 AM | Reply
That's funny. I'll remember not to do that next time.
[7] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 6-Dec-05/2:19 AM | Reply
This poem looks like something the teacher made you write on the chalkboard for being bad.

Exhausting.
[9] deleted user @ 204.97.18.35 | 6-Dec-05/5:14 PM | Reply
i really like this, especially the first four stanzas.
[9] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 6-Dec-05/7:31 PM | Reply
It’s not strictly paradelle, which has only four stanzas compared to your eight. Nor does your last stanza contain all of the words in the above stanzas. Nor is it two paradelles, because the fourth stanza does not contain all the words in the above four. Still, it’s a good poem and holds the thoughts together in spite of a very constraining form.

It is certainly better than http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=107380 where I mock Billy Collins, the French, and other sticklers to form.
[n/a] Zoe @ 172.212.86.239 > Dovina | 7-Dec-05/3:28 AM | Reply
Yes you are right. I can be a bit relaxed when describing the form of a poem. Like describing a fourteen liner without rhyme as a sonnet!
[9] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > Dovina | 7-Dec-05/3:51 AM | Reply
In that sense, anybody who takes something seriously is actually parodying the parodist who makes fun of his seriousness. Yes, I see now...
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