| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Better Off Dead (Lyric) by wilco The paper-airplane smog hanging over my noose
sent me into convulsions on the right side of youth.
The recycled thoughts coming out of the clouds
became movie-script endings and Indian mounds.
And it came without warning and some broken bones
a losing lottery ticket and reminders of home.
Oh, but the winter chill
sinks into my bones
like Ebbotâs Pond absorbing stones
that weâve thrown.
And she rains
when her eyes cloud up
and sheâs saved from how life ends up
when youâre all alone.
Cigarette smoking in a hundred degrees
and a leper sees your heart says âitâs still a diseaseâ.
Take away the romance in the end of your days,
itâs just a long holiday at the bottom of Fire Lake.
So, Iâll wait for the engine to turn off all the lights,
become a secondary character and fade out of sight.
Oh, but the winter chill
sinks into my bones
like Ebbotâs Pond absorbing stones
that weâve thrown.
And she rains
when her eyes cloud up
and sheâs saved from how life ends up
when youâre all alone.
Up the ladder:
Just Shut Up! Everyone Just Shut Up!
Down the ladder:
The Scout
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.285714
Posted: December 7, 2005 3:41 PM PST; Last modified: December 7, 2005 3:41 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.614723 Overall Rank: 2240 Comments:
[n/a]
wilco @ 24.92.74.122
|
7-Dec-05/3:50 PM
|
Reply
Capo 4
[8]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.104
> wilco
|
7-Dec-05/4:56 PM
|
Reply
E played in C?
[n/a]
wilco @ 24.92.74.122
> Dovina
|
7-Dec-05/9:05 PM
|
Reply
actually, yeah..
[n/a]
wilco @ 24.92.74.122
> wilco
|
7-Dec-05/9:08 PM
|
Reply
I really just put that comment on here to remind me so that I don't forget.
It has a lot of good images and lines, but the comfort of logic is mostly lacking, at least for me. Don't get me wrong, the thing doesn't have to add up to be good, it just does more for me if I find answers to questions like, How is she saved from how life ends up when youâre all alone?
The answers are there for you to determine yourself. I'm getting so tired of reading poems that give me all the answers.
But why pick that particular ending? Especially touching for me because it reaches into some not so distant memories of mine and wrings them out a bit.
I likey.
Glad you like it.
Could be much better. Lackluster. Not really but its the kind of comment you leave on even the pieces of work of others that outshine this. Getting back to reality, this is an aimiable piece with good flow, the modern language could have made it seem unorigional and cliched were it not for the rich abstract imagery.
First, lots of things outshine this. If I leave a short comment like that, it's usually for one of three reasons:
1) Someone has already made the suggestions that I would make and there's no sense in wasting time writing them again. This is usually the case. 2) I have made more extensive comments on that persons poems before and either they have informed me that they're no interested in my opinion or they have completely ignored me. 3) Because i think it's pretty good and if it can be improved, I'm not a good enough poet to tell them how to do it. As far as the "modern language", what other language anm I supposed to use? Would Olde English make it more original? In the future, being direct works better with me. If you think that my commenting sucks, then say that. Please don't be a smart ass. What? I've been a smart ass before? That's true, but only when I've told that person the same thing 100 times before....and when I'm in a pissy mood.
What gives? I didn't leave a comment like that on your last post.."The Dark". I don't know what I put on "Dark's Nest" because you deleted all the comments on that one.
I'm just curious as to what kind of comments you would like me to leave?
Constructive, interesting, funny or descriptive comments, rather than damp unenthused comments that sound like they have come from the mind of a man who has been tied to a chair whilst Rockmage receits his lifelong works.
A good example of the commentry I am talking about is given on count all the stars by dancingshamrock: http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?i (There is a number box to tell people whether it is good, bad or mediocre) I deleted the comments after a rewrite, they were of no use. I think it was along the lines of "Allright, sounds like a metallica song". I just think that something a little more constructive may help you and the recipient yield more from your commentry.
Ok, then, let me explain it to you: I left that comment because anything I would've said had already been said. I didn't see a point in repeating what someone else had already said.
I went into more detail about what I think on one of your recent posts (Dark's Nest or The Dark, one..). Your response was to tell me that I didn't understand it and that I need to dig deeper. That's the typical Poemranker response. The fact is that the poem didn't make me WANT to dig any deeper. As far as what you want out of a comment: 1. I've explained that I don't feel the need to repeat someone else's suggestion. If I feel that it needs something that someone hasn't said, I'll say it. If not, I simply leave a short comment to at least let them know that I read it. 2. If a poem provokes me to think of something interesting to write, I do. 3. Funny? I'm not a fucking comedian. 4. If you want me to be inspired and excited, write something to inspire and excite me. I've been on here for two years and I've learned who is going to use criticism and who's going to ignore it. Let's face it...you don't want me to critique your poem, you want me to tell you how great it is. Sorry.
Basic language afterthought: If I leave something like that, it means either:
a. I think that you're better than I am at writing and that I couldn't improve your poem. b. I think your hopeless and boring and nothing I could say would help you improve.
Boys, boys. There's an easy way to solve this whole problem.
cyan9 - your average original poem comment is no more helpful or interesting than wilco's. Usually it's just a general (mostly negative) impression with some positive comment on a detail you liked. That is, nothing any serious poet can take to the bank. You probably comment like this because you realize poemranker isn't serious poetry and besides you have better things to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy to have you here, but if you're going to hold other users to a high standard, I'd say put up or shut up. Both you & wilco - it's hard enough to get someone on poemranker to read your poems, much less to offer any comment at all, useful or not. I'm glad enough both of you actually do this, and in truth you're two of the current best things about the site. I'm not saying we couldn't all use improvement, but let's be happy about what we got, right? I mean it's Christmas, right? Oh, PS - let's all agree not to delete anybody's comments from our own poems. What, are you afraid someone's going to think your poem's good until they read some other user trashing it? That's just silly.
zodiac + wilco:
In answer to zodiacs message: With regards to the "just a general impression" that no serious poet can take to the bank: I attempt to pull out general points in order to credit the direction someone takes and provide feedback on themes and reasons for the pleasure or otherwise obtained by reading the piece. I didn't realise that this was of little use to people; my intention is to provide a useful critique without being brutal. Is this of no use to people? Is proof-reading closer to what people want and gain from most? With regards to "poemranker isn't serious poetry": I would disagree and say that some people can pour their hearts out on the page and for such should be treated with importance rather than by receiving comments like the allpoetry.com favourite "nice write", and should at least be told in a reletively respectful manner why their work succeeded or failed to please. Other people take this less seriously, but I would prefer to ebb on the side of caution. With regards to "put up or shut up": Im afraid Im going stoke up the firing line and choose "put up". What would you like and benefit from being put up? With regards to deleting commentry: I delete commentry when it gets too long or the piece is completely rewritten and so it is irrelevent usually.
First off, don't be insulted. If I'm coming off harsh, I claim not having slept for 6 days now and having been on 3 totally separate drunks during that time. I like you and I don't mean to be all in-your-facey.
Regarding "general impression": I think a general impression is as useful as 99% of the other things you could post. Besides, most poemranker posts are so broken they honestly don't deserve the hours you could spend fixing them. Personally, one thing I find useful about poemranker is people's general (even unspoken) impressions. Minutes after finishing a poem, I'm no judge of its worth. But (with a few exceptions) I figure if the poemranker opinion is tepid, everyone's is going to be, educated or not, and I probably need to start from the drawing board. If opinion's really positive, I might keep the poem around awhile. At least, I'll take what I can get here and be happy with it. Of course, I'm not the norm here. What most people want is gushing mush; those people are going to hate everything else anyway. I stick to commenting on grammar on a lot of poems because (1) I think a poem cannot be successful with crap grammar, (2) it's an easier way to tell someone his or her poem sucks than trying to critique the poem's ideas, and (3) a lot of people seem to need it - whether or not they like it. Regarding "serious poetry": There's all kinds. Writing is my profession. With everybody else here, it probably ranges from hobby, like whittling or blogging, to something they did once while bored in study hall and immediately went online to see where they could show it off. I'm not the one to judge who's serious and looking for advice. Probably everybody deserves advice, but after two years of getting trashed by a lot of users for anything other than guffs of praise, I do tend to rush to judgment and trash a lot more than I should. I'm working on that. Regarding "put up": I meant, offer the kind of criticism you'd like to see on your poems - ie, "step up". I'm not sure if that's what the phrase actually means. I don't need anything put up at present, though I'd be flattered if you took a look at my posts - not for serious critiquing or judgment, mind; I'd just like to know you'd seen them. Regarding deleting: I understand that, but a lot of what seems irrelevant here is the best part of poemranker. I cringe just imagining someone deleting the race of liars, Bayes' theorem, Dovina's and my many wandering "arguements", or the short life of the hobo-sheathed insult generator. And even critiques pertaining only to your poem might be useful to some other user in a similar situation. If you've posted a totally different poem and the comments aren't going to make sense (this has happened before), fine, maybe. But I'd leave comments whenever possible.
You may have noticed that I no longer comment on DancingShamrock's poems except for occasional one-liners. That's because she has a history of deleting comments. You are starting to show the same kind of record, to which I can only say that yiu'll get few comments from me unless you stop at once! Even if yiu revise a poem, and the comments aeem no longer relavent, do not delete them, unless yiu no longer wish to see my comments. I speak only for myself.
My reason for deleting your comments on Dark's Nest was that the rewrite was so complete that the commentry made no sense, and so I felt that it should go; but if you are attached this strongly, then I will think a couple more times before removing anything of yours (or others) again. I value the time that people spend, even if I can be touchy to start with, and certainly wouldn't want to lose your input.
Forgiven. May I suggest that if you completely revise a poem, it might be best to post it as a new poem, while not deleting the old version. You could call it XXX (version 2) or something.
A XXX version would definitely get my attention.
she sliced off his penis
fried it in grease served it for breakfast said, have a piece Excited yet?
That's your idea of porn?
Daaamn! Good writing though.
Just be glad you don't live were they make paper. It smells like rotten sauerkraut.
Lose "that weâve thrown." Change "leper" (throughs off the poem). Change "paper airplanes"(a little too obscure) to something like "waste-paper". First 3 couplets are the best part of the poem. 304 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
