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Chills (Free verse) by BrandonW Shortened straws, rolled up bills, and
frenetic conversation.
"Oh my God, this gives me chills!"
Holy insufflation!
Twitchy eyes, crooked blinds, and
apparently now the Lord.
I'm lacking clarity of mind,
I offer no accord.
Sweaty pits, numbing lips, and
possibly the Son.
I don't see him now, but
I'll need him when it's gone.
Up the ladder:
Return To Narnia
Down the ladder:
Can't Fight No More
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.285714
Posted: November 30, 2005 10:06 PM PST; Last modified: November 30, 2005 10:06 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.614723 Overall Rank: 2242 Comments:
And you bought it around the corner from a pusher named Jesus. The religion/drug addiction metaphor is a bit cliche but you got some really nice lines in there.
Mind if I snort a couple? -8-
-as in 8-ball.
Yeah.. I don't usually like to write about drugs.. religon is hard get away from.. guess it's a Southern thing.. heh, I've actually been waiting for a reason to use 'insufflation' in a poem. I thought it worked well.. thanks
God forbid.
rahson-
Nice flow, borders on humour, good metaphors.
Your right, anxiety is the enemy.
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"I offer no accord" is a useless line and probably just for rhyme's sake. Consider changing it to bored, board, gored, gourd, hoard, poured, roared, scored, sword, abhorred, aboard, adored, afford, award, explored, ignored, implored, reward, toward, unexplored, Honda Accord - preferably not one of the obvious ones.
Yes, I did almost let that slide because it's so wacky and stoned and reminds me of that scene in Boogie Nights where the Chinese boy's setting off fireworks and that guy in his briefs keeps waving that gun around. But you can do better.
Merry Christmas BrandonW.