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Chills (Free verse) by BrandonW

Shortened straws, rolled up bills, and frenetic conversation. "Oh my God, this gives me chills!" Holy insufflation! Twitchy eyes, crooked blinds, and apparently now the Lord. I'm lacking clarity of mind, I offer no accord. Sweaty pits, numbing lips, and possibly the Son. I don't see him now, but I'll need him when it's gone.

zodiac 1-Dec-05/9:24 AM
Nice.

"I offer no accord" is a useless line and probably just for rhyme's sake. Consider changing it to bored, board, gored, gourd, hoard, poured, roared, scored, sword, abhorred, aboard, adored, afford, award, explored, ignored, implored, reward, toward, unexplored, Honda Accord - preferably not one of the obvious ones.

Yes, I did almost let that slide because it's so wacky and stoned and reminds me of that scene in Boogie Nights where the Chinese boy's setting off fireworks and that guy in his briefs keeps waving that gun around. But you can do better.




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