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how did i forget that i have to go to work? (Free verse) by hendrimike we sat back in our seats to say hello to the children that left the
street
and they watched our feats and stared at our hearts as we played our
beats
we just laughed, mellow, watching our friends bellow
sounds of truth singing what became a ringing
unbridled melody, and we cringed with the rhapsody.
we always winced when night became day
we were always convinced of what they might say
we couldn't imagine ourselves outside of ourselves
we couldn't believe ourselves more than we can now
and than you would come and then you would show
and the joke was on me and thatâs how fools know
that this is the end and I cannot grow
beyond what you sell or what you would sow
so now you just listen to what you've been missing
and all you've got going is what you've been loathing
so hold on and be thoughtful and not uneventful
the things you are seeing are not unintentional
and you wont get past it because you can't help but be
outside your despicable self righteous luxury
the things that you owe, are hiding the decadence
of a life that you once believed to be outside of providence
and now you just sit unearthly and ashamed
afraid to relent or to give in to this game
this! is something that youâve done all alone
but Iâm still dealing with your mistake on my own
thereâs more to your life than your personal strife
and we discussed what you mentioned
for all that youâve been
you claimed from your heart
that this from the start
is something that you wonât part with
than weâll wait for our life
to become heavy darkness
and until you put in the effort to change my heart
I will not make the difference, or play the part
Of the child that weeps or the eyes that can seep
I will not fall ungraciously deep
Through your misery and deceit
and I fall to my knees to the cold concrete
But I do it with pride, and not with defeat
and I waited again for your eyes to seek
the difference that I hide away while you seek
a role that you keep inside while you speak
weak, away under pretenses ashamed
and than just the same
I lost my own truth
And then I did lose
My truth⦠my name⦠my soul⦠my youthâ¦this is all that I had
And I would trade it all in for a genuine dad
Up the ladder:
Giving up
Down the ladder:
we hold hands when i sleep
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.25
Posted: December 3, 2005 7:00 AM PST; Last modified: December 3, 2005 7:00 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.029801 Overall Rank: 7333 Comments:
[6]
wilco @ 24.92.74.122
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3-Dec-05/1:21 PM
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Reply
I think you sacrificed a lot of the substance of what this could have been for the sake of rhyme. I'd suggest working on it and saying what you want to say without putting the burden of rhyme in there.
"we cringed with the rhapsody"?
Frost famously said he'd sooner play tennis with the net down than write poetry without rhyme or meter. He respected good free-verse writers, but he himself wouldn't know what to say without some structure and limitation guiding him. Frost, though, had to bust his ass to make rhyme and rhythm work for him, rather than the other way around. I believe there are at least a dozen things in this poem you wouldn't have normally said except for the rhyme. I admit, sometimes the weird connections you make in rhyme are magical, sublime, spontaneous. But had/dad and heart/start/part are not those times. I don't suggest writing free verse. I'm suggesting working harder on your rhymed verse.
Sometimes I write a poem without rhyme and then make it rhyme while adding as few new words or new ideas as possible. Maybe that could work for you?
If you called it a lyric poem I might have been more impressed. This is one of those meant to be said not read poems. Sounds like excerpts of Bob Dylan songs.
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