I like this except for the middle stanza. That seems really forced to make the rhymes.

OK, so I'm doing this thing for Fawm.org where you're supposed to write 14 songs in 28 days. This is the first one and I figured I might as well post it here too. I should have a demo up at some point if anyone cares to hear it.

I'm sure you'll take this as me just being mean, but I'm just giving my assessment. This is just a simple little thing that you'd doodle in your trapper keeper during study hall....Not what you post for review and criticism....even here...

If you REALLY like to write and want to get better...read some poetry and learn to use imagery and detail and try writing something that's not the lovelorn ramblings of bored student. You're going to get made fun of posting things like this. I don't mean to quit writing entirely...I don't think that anyone should do that...just work on it before you post it. Cheers.

Som of this is good (1/2 the second stanza the third stanza except for the Angel in black line), Don't really like the rest and the 1st stanza is terrible, I think.

MUCH better than the one I just read of yours.

Your problem D, is that you write too much. I've come to believe that a poem every 2 days is too much. The people that are decent writers on here need to learn to edit themselves and not post everything we write becasue it ends up getting old and jumbled and we tend to repeat ourselves....Not that this is bad, but I bet you could write a really great thing if you saved up and all that.

I think this could be much better shortened a bit...take some unnecessary words out...for example:

We said sayonara to Hiroshima
And hello to the green diamond rivers of Vietnam
And we walked upright
Where the ones before us crawled on bellies
Western snakes in the grass
We were delighted by rain
Finding it absolutely perfect
(Once the dried blood was ignored)
We sat in cafe's where dancing girls came
Touching guns smilingly
Their husbands silent at home
Or dead, silent in the land of green


...and punctuate...damn that's irritating. Gimme a semicolon or something. This could be good with a little more tweaking. Less is more. Play with wordings and take out things you don't need...

I've seen some good stuff you've written. THis is not one of 'em. You know how to write..you're better than this.

I like the first one better. It would get an 8.

Incidentally, this is my 91st submission with three years as a Poemeranker user nearly here, Feb. 18. I haven't been around much lately because I've been too busy to write, much less read. Seems the Ranker isn't doing too well? A pity. This place has given me a lot...I might even send Nentwined some money...but probably not.

Came by, saw that Rockmage is back and just had to log in and post. Just something I wrote all drunk New Years Eve...just a little song. B F# E chord progression for anyone who cares.