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Depature from Nam (Free verse) by AlexandraLeaving We said sayonara to Hiroshima
And hello to the green diamond rivers of Vietnam
And we walked upright
Where the ones before us crawled on their bellies
Western snakes in the grass
We were delighted by rain
Finding it absolutely perfect
(Once the dried blood was ignored)
We sat in cafe's where the dancing girls used to come
Touching the guns smilingly
Their husbands silent at home
Or dead, silent in the land of green
Up the ladder:
Damned
Down the ladder:
Monsters
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.5
Posted: January 10, 2007 9:41 PM PST; Last modified: January 10, 2007 9:41 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.928861 Overall Rank: 9154 Comments:
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We said sayonara to Hiroshima
And hello to the green diamond rivers of Vietnam
And we walked upright
Where the ones before us crawled on bellies
Western snakes in the grass
We were delighted by rain
Finding it absolutely perfect
(Once the dried blood was ignored)
We sat in cafe's where dancing girls came
Touching guns smilingly
Their husbands silent at home
Or dead, silent in the land of green
...and punctuate...damn that's irritating. Gimme a semicolon or something. This could be good with a little more tweaking. Less is more. Play with wordings and take out things you don't need...