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Brains for Barter (Free verse) by Dovina I have no need to prove you wrong
To show the triteness of your point
No need to give the facts
Iâd rather find a joke youâll like
A memory pleasant on your mind
Iâd rather feel you grin
Your breath falls warm upon my neck
Your legs behind my chair feel strong
Your lungs refresh the air
I have the wind as if Iâm running
My wheels turn faster with each pun
And slow with every pause
How about a trade, my dear
Iâll give you brains; you give me legs
The hill is long and steep
Up the ladder:
Intimate Joy
Down the ladder:
Elusive Dream
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8
Posted: January 9, 2007 7:35 PM PST; Last modified: January 9, 2007 7:35 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.095362 Overall Rank: 6138 Comments:
The last line is a bit of a let down. It's the right idea but the image needs to be more interesting. The language in the first verse is a bit flakey.
Welcome back. Even one with whom I have fought is welcome back. The last line is cliché, I know, and will look for better words. The first verse needs to show that N, while smarter, feels no need to flaunt it â will consider flakiness.
Your problem D, is that you write too much. I've come to believe that a poem every 2 days is too much. The people that are decent writers on here need to learn to edit themselves and not post everything we write becasue it ends up getting old and jumbled and we tend to repeat ourselves....Not that this is bad, but I bet you could write a really great thing if you saved up and all that.
You are right; I write too much. Only a fraction posts here. Is there a 12-step program for the likes of me? Is it what kept you away?
Welcome back, with sympathy, Dovina
I've had wind which has resulted in the runs. Terrible, you have my sympathy; although I wouldn't condone publicising the fact.
ok, lol, seriousness not expected.
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okay. I'd loose the second "I'd" and two of the three "Your"s (prolly keep the second, loose the others).
In general, and you can take this away to your other things, try to remove the words that don't advance the meaning (like scenes in a movie that don't advance the story).
I know this is more of a lighter poem but it is still worth the exercise. Probably.