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Brains for Barter (Free verse) by Dovina

I have no need to prove you wrong To show the triteness of your point No need to give the facts I’d rather find a joke you’ll like A memory pleasant on your mind I’d rather feel you grin Your breath falls warm upon my neck Your legs behind my chair feel strong Your lungs refresh the air I have the wind as if I’m running My wheels turn faster with each pun And slow with every pause How about a trade, my dear I’ll give you brains; you give me legs The hill is long and steep

Shuushin 10-Jan-07/7:42 AM
You're improving, Dovina (to my ear, anyway ;o)

okay. I'd loose the second "I'd" and two of the three "Your"s (prolly keep the second, loose the others).

In general, and you can take this away to your other things, try to remove the words that don't advance the meaning (like scenes in a movie that don't advance the story).

I know this is more of a lighter poem but it is still worth the exercise. Probably.






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