Shuushin10 Jan 2007

You're improving, Dovina (to my ear, anyway ;o)

okay. I'd loose the second "I'd" and two of the three "Your"s (prolly keep the second, loose the others).

In general, and you can take this away to your other things, try to remove the words that don't advance the meaning (like scenes in a movie that don't advance the story).

I know this is more of a lighter poem but it is still worth the exercise. Probably.