regarding some deleted poem...	26-Nov-05/10:10 PM
The bulemia bit is bad...the rest I like.
Re: Indian Song by ALChemy	28-Nov-05/2:21 PM
Wild man, bled in my vanities; My graven ancient, increase mass homicide. So little left of you to resurrect for you. Wild man God interred his head. I dunno...best I could come up with. 9 for making me think...I'd give you a 10 but you made me think and that pissed me off. ;)
Re: Silent Night by Dovina	30-Nov-05/3:44 PM
I'm not religious or anything but I just don't think turning a christmas carol into a naughty nursery rhyme is all that original. No offense, but it just doesn't seem any more so to me that Sasha's irritating translations.
Re: I'm walking thorough void by Prince of Void	1-Dec-05/2:48 PM
ummm...okay, first, you need to move on from the whole "void" angle. It's wearing thin. Also, try some different styles and variations. Either get some prozac or some liquor (but just enough). Most of the good stuff is about pain and depression, but you need to work on saying it in a new way and making it interesting. Also work on your grammar and adjectives. Often, your lines make little sense because you're trying to put too much into them.
Re: The Bus by Dovina	1-Dec-05/2:51 PM
aw naw, hush that fuss. Everybody move to the back of the bus. I really thought this was going to be about Rosa Parks or Jerome Bettis....anyway, not bad.
Re: Searching by celticskatermatt1	3-Dec-05/12:54 PM
Good grief, Charlie Brown...let's get a spell checker on this. "I rope would be tied"? - what the hell does that mean? Try putting a little thought into your poem...I think it took me longer to read it than it took you to write it.
Re: forever mourning by outofdarkness138	3-Dec-05/1:16 PM
I'll be the first to admit that lyrics can be decieving because they may sound great with music. This just doesn't work too well on the page, though.
Re: how did i forget that i have to go to work? by hendrimike	3-Dec-05/1:21 PM
I think you sacrificed a lot of the substance of what this could have been for the sake of rhyme. I'd suggest working on it and saying what you want to say without putting the burden of rhyme in there.
Re: Through the channel by amanda_dcosta	3-Dec-05/1:26 PM
I'm not a big fan of rhyming in free verse...some can do it and do it well, but for most people it just keeps them bound. Why not try writing what you want to say without the rhyming scale.
Re: Shoebox Thoughts by BrandonW	3-Dec-05/2:50 PM
I think that you could maybe turn this into a free verse and give a little more info..don't give so much that it paints a FULL picture, but I just don't think the Haiku form gives you enough to get much of anything across here.
Re: Another Chapter by TLRufener	4-Dec-05/1:23 PM
Alright, lookit...you've got to get it out of your head that you have to rhyme to make a poem work. You're putting stuff in here just to make it rhyme. You could say this exact same thing with three lines and it would sound more poetic. It's not just horrible bad, but it's just not good either. It doesn't hold my attention, it doesn't make me think, and it doesn't make me think "yeah..I know what she's feeling...I've felt that way".
Re: Until the Façade Comes Down by TLRufener	4-Dec-05/1:31 PM
First off, don't start a poem with "there are no words" and "there is no way to explain how I feel"....If there's no words and there's no way to explain it why did you write it? Better yet, why am I reading it? This is a love letter, not a poem. It COULD be a poem if you look in there and find the poetry in it.
Re: Duff firs, Nawal by zodiac	4-Dec-05/1:35 PM
An excellent post, as usual.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Dec-05/1:40 PM
Not bad, at least you get the whole rhyming poem thing. I would maybe change the whole "whence it came" line to preserve the flow.
Re: The Dark by cyan9	5-Dec-05/1:42 PM
Another one that sounds like a Metallica song..try shortening it and tightening it up...there's about half of this that you don't need. I think people tend to make free verse poems longer than they need to be simply because they look too short. If you're not writing in a certain form that requires a certain number of lines, you probably don't need as much as you think.
Re: YOUR OWN PLEASURE by Zoe	5-Dec-05/1:48 PM
What form is this? The repetition gets a little old (maybe just because there are so many stanzas...It's interesting and some of it is very pretty. I could stand to read a shorter version but I can live with it if you can. ;) Also, the title in all caps is a bit annoying...something of a no, no 'round here.
Re: Snake in the Grass by thepinkbunnyofdoom	5-Dec-05/1:54 PM
Is this to be sung to the tune of Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock & Roll"?
Re: Better Off Dead by wilco	7-Dec-05/3:50 PM
Capo 4
Re: IN ONE LONG NIGHT by Prince of Void	7-Dec-05/8:37 PM
This is probably the most poetic thing you've written. Change the nothing'll to nothing will and rework the last line. Also the 4th line could use a little tweak.
Re: Irish Holliday by Dovina	7-Dec-05/8:41 PM
It doesn't flow as well as It could (or maybe i'm just not reading it right). Maybe I just need to be Irish...or drunk...or both..