Re: Rosalía de Castro: When I was born by Sasha	21-Jun-04/6:00 PM
what you think about using "spake" instead of "spoke"? I think "daggar" s/b "dagger" unless you a punning a character (it could happen!) nice one.
Re: Drunk and Fucked Up by wilco	21-Jun-04/5:57 PM
great hook with seranade I don't like the verb agreement here: "Shake the spiders from my mind and let it eat me up inside." I know that you could mean "it" is something else, but its not intuitive - save the trouble of deciphering and make the quantities agree, imho.
Re: 5/22 by aburiedlife	21-Jun-04/5:55 PM
one of the better free-form pimples in a while.
Re: Sonnetias by MacFrantic	21-Jun-04/5:54 PM
L4 try: "A craving deepened by our thoughts of past" L9: "Just ask again and you'll encounter scorn" not too shabby, not too shabby at all. An extra bit for a sonnet.
Re: Navy Pier by Doug	19-Jun-04/9:00 AM
Hey doug, this has a very honest feel to it. Let me pick at it a bit too, hopefully focusing on things you might use in other poems. the word "can" just takes up space, really it does't convey anything except as a noun. And "still" - same thing. LEt me give you one more thing to think about. This saying you hear LMich and actually using the word "hear" - also not a big value adding word in this context. Suppose you had done instead Lake Michigan soft and stoic, cobalt breakers lilted Beer Garden breezes ... [etc.] See, the same thing is conveyed but without the burden of those words; it's [I hope] more showing than telling. Why make the reader work if they get nothing in return? But even without that stuff, this still has a very sweet feel.
Re: 0 by MacFrantic	18-Jun-04/4:27 AM
what is "Oh snap" mean?
Re: Origins by Doug	18-Jun-04/4:24 AM
The only complaint I have, and its more of an observation - is that the players seem somewhat arbitary. I mean why not "Desperation" or "Futility" or "Esctacy" (etc.)? The title alone doesn't serve well enough to establish the setting.
Re: Paid In Full by NoSage	16-Jun-04/7:33 PM
father's day?
Re: a comment on Origins by Doug	16-Jun-04/2:06 PM
Don't feel bad Doug, we don't know what he's saying half the time either.
Re: Dealer (a senyru) by Mona Lisa	15-Jun-04/3:25 PM
EXCELLENT. and you even called it the right name!
Re: a comment on Big wave by DR Limerick	15-Jun-04/2:38 PM
Thank you, good doctor.
Re: Thin Blood by Rodavlas	15-Jun-04/10:19 AM
take the second half of the second verse and put the rest back into the word-pile. And the last line could work too - just the idea of it; toasting bodyparts. could make a memorable song - but not another suicide note.
Re: The Stickmen of Fools by embersandenvelopes	14-Jun-04/10:12 AM
Reads fairly well - not entirely sure what it's about though. Feels like a venting somehow. I like this idea of pouncing on something then the pouncer suffocating.
Re: Hiding by QuirkyWonder	13-Jun-04/2:50 PM
ahhhh, dat's chute.
Re: Big wave by DR Limerick	13-Jun-04/2:45 PM
There once was a woman from Taigan Who drew one hell of a floorplan She met a man by shore Though she found him a bore He paid her again and again.
Re: Lost by arduinn	12-Jun-04/8:44 AM
This would be better for a verb tense sweep. "Often I sit alone and wondered" "What does he has that Dad didn't?" stuff like that.
Re: a comment on Untitled 48 by TLRufener	12-Jun-04/8:22 AM
Btw - I bet you could do this with less than half the words. I don't mean this as a dig in anyway, but after reading all of your poems (here, and there) I really think it would make them stronger. (please, don't throw that shoe)
Re: Untitled 48 by TLRufener	12-Jun-04/8:16 AM
Ahah! I know what it is! it is a "riddle". Or it could also be a pen.
Re: Fool by arduinn	11-Jun-04/8:26 PM
Wow. This one is getting lots of traffic, isn't it? Never a bad thing. I'd like to see this expanded; fleshed out a bit - and it will be better for it.
Re: fire has its own logic by impert&ent	11-Jun-04/4:53 PM
"interiority of computers" - interesting. Some fresh ideas here, but the form is hurting it imho; got me thinking on it.