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Origins (Free verse) by Doug And now comes past,
with his new squaw forgotten,
to consummate their raven joining
in the newly - wed suite of was.
And they'll forge a powdered shadow,
while knotted in their mishapened need,
soon giving life to an abstraction,
And they'll call it Christ.
And now comes rhythm ,
beside her new groom profound,
to consecrate their listless union,
in the warm retreat of always and glad,
And they'll suppose a subtle light,
in that instant of tremor and faint intrigue,
soon giving birth to an expectant splendor -
And we'll call it charisma.
Up the ladder:
Emo Kid
Down the ladder:
Hard Month
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.714286
Posted: June 15, 2004 9:20 PM PDT; Last modified: June 26, 2004 4:04 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.192101 Overall Rank: 4649 Comments:
[7]
horus9 @ 68.205.44.109
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16-Jun-04/11:07 AM
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Reply
Every usage of the word 'thier' is 'their'. Surprisingly enough you didn't spell anything else wrong.
Look, Doug, I know you think I'm a "nitpicking dickwad" and a "bore", but please try to pay attention for a second. This is as close to real criticism as I get on this site.
The entire central conceit of this poem (that Perfection and Profound beget Hope) is totally wrong. If anything, Hope and An Infinite Amount of Monkeys and A Finite Amount of Time produce Perfection, but even that's pretty much crap, too. The point is, Perfection and Hope are pretty much unrelated - or at best inversely related. If there were no such real thing as Perfection, people would still Hope. And, in fact, if there were such a thing as Perfection, and it was common enough, then there would be no such thing as Hope. And besides, Perfection and Profound aren't even the species. If they were to breed, they could only produce some horrific Adjenoun which any half-decent midwife would wisely smother with a pillow. I would recommend picking some new abstract qualities and giving this another shot. Or even better, stop writing poems based on your bad idea of what poetry's supposed to be, which is apparently Big Capitalized Abstractions, and write something about, I don't know, your deep personal feelings or something. Thanks, zodiac PS-The most appropriate response to this comment is not: "So? Your central conceit is wrong too and I gave all your poems multiple zeros."
Don't feel bad Doug, we don't know what he's saying half the time either.
In the special Hell which awaits you, you'll be made to write high-concept sitcoms about Negro families that move to the suburbs and get by on tough love and ghetto-smarts.
I've seen it.
And this comment makes perfect sense. Not that you'd know, since your idea of metaphor is a Sunday hat made of various dismembered buttockses.
You mean "dismembereds buttock".
Thank you very little zodiac.I look foward to more of your rambling comments in the not so near future.I might actualy take heed of our nasty dialogue, if it were not for the fact of you being a talentless,persnickety grammar snob.
And it is almost sad you can't see Perfection,I've spotted it many times and Hope to see it again. Thanks again, Doug
The only complaint I have, and its more of an observation - is that the players seem somewhat arbitary.
I mean why not "Desperation" or "Futility" or "Esctacy" (etc.)? The title alone doesn't serve well enough to establish the setting.
Good idea,I'm gonna work on it.
Thanks Shin Shuu,I appreciate your help.
psycho-babble
no spaces bordering the dash - and I like that line alot.
Is this the same as before? Or a similar technique?
In that context, it's not a dash. It's a hyphen.
brilliant -- very helpful, thank you.
Verses 1&2 are what marriage of an experienced couple is. I like it a lot, can laugh with it. Christ seems extra though.
When they conceive a subtle light and give birth to charisma, I'm guessing, but there's chemistry in the now and was.
My iguana went all listless on me, and I had to give him a mineral colonic... I was very charismatic about it.
First verse does not make a whole lot of sense.
1) Who is this new squaw the past has forgotten, how does past have a wife. 2) To consumate their raven joining-- 'their' can only refer to the squaw and the past. So how come they are being joined when his new squaw has been forgotten. 3) How can was ever be new, it is the past. Verse 2, talking about christ as an abstraction invented by people to fulfill a need is just trite. It has been said a million times before, and offers a side of the argument but no insight.
"The Passion Of Napkin" By Mel Jizzbon
Napkin was our spiritual leader. He died on Uranus for the sins of your mouth. Napkin was a two ply savior Until one ply went away leaving him all alone on Uranus Napkin folded up and set sail into the sea, from Uranus. It was there that he broke the fish and heeled the bread. Amen. 255 view(s)
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