Free verse № 105351
Origins
And now comes past,
with his new squaw forgotten,
to consummate their raven joining
in the newly - wed suite of was.
And they'll forge a powdered shadow,
while knotted in their mishapened need,
soon giving life to an abstraction,
And they'll call it Christ.
And now comes rhythm ,
beside her new groom profound,
to consecrate their listless union,
in the warm retreat of always and glad,
And they'll suppose a subtle light,
in that instant of tremor and faint intrigue,
soon giving birth to an expectant splendor -
And we'll call it charisma.
17 comments
The entire central conceit of this poem (that Perfection and Profound beget Hope) is totally wrong. If anything, Hope and An Infinite Amount of Monkeys and A Finite Amount of Time produce Perfection, but even that's pretty much crap, too. The point is, Perfection and Hope are pretty much unrelated - or at best inversely related. If there were no such real thing as Perfection, people would still Hope. And, in fact, if there were such a thing as Perfection, and it was common enough, then there would be no such thing as Hope.
And besides, Perfection and Profound aren't even the species. If they were to breed, they could only produce some horrific Adjenoun which any half-decent midwife would wisely smother with a pillow. I would recommend picking some new abstract qualities and giving this another shot. Or even better, stop writing poems based on your bad idea of what poetry's supposed to be, which is apparently Big Capitalized Abstractions, and write something about, I don't know, your deep personal feelings or something.
Thanks,
zodiac
PS-The most appropriate response to this comment is not: "So? Your central conceit is wrong too and I gave all your poems multiple zeros."
I've seen it.
And it is almost sad you can't see Perfection,I've spotted it many times and Hope to see it again.
Thanks again,
Doug
I mean why not "Desperation" or "Futility" or "Esctacy" (etc.)?
The title alone doesn't serve well enough to establish the setting.
Thanks Shin Shuu,I appreciate your help.
Is this the same as before? Or a similar technique?
When they conceive a subtle light and give birth to charisma, I'm guessing, but there's chemistry in the now and was.
1) Who is this new squaw the past has forgotten, how does past have a wife.
2) To consumate their raven joining-- 'their' can only refer to the squaw and the past. So how come they are being joined when his new squaw has been forgotten.
3) How can was ever be new, it is the past.
Verse 2, talking about christ as an abstraction invented by people to fulfill a need is just trite. It has been said a million times before, and offers a side of the argument but no insight.
Napkin was our spiritual leader.
He died on Uranus for the sins of your mouth.
Napkin was a two ply savior
Until one ply went away
leaving him all alone on Uranus
Napkin folded up and set sail
into the sea, from Uranus.
It was there that he broke the
fish and heeled the bread.
Amen.
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