Re: a comment on A Flower for Monet by Shuushin	29-Jun-07/6:02 AM
yes and also; the orange sun is a reference to "Impression: sunrise" (and others using a similar technique) while it is also a nod to the rising influence of being able (through talent and advances in materials) to acheive the groundbreaking results he (and other impressionists) did. It's a, ah - "poetic device".
Re: Two Cunts by mr cunt	14-Mar-07/6:46 PM
the only one I've actually read past the first line
Re: A Tragic Love Tryst In The Park Near The Sewage Works by Edna Sweetlove	11-Feb-07/9:19 PM
more drivel - well crafted, but really - why bother. it's like gold-plating dog shit.
Re: Let's praise great Britannia's golden days of now and then by Edna Sweetlove	11-Feb-07/9:18 PM
blah - who cares about this nationalistic shite.
Re: a comment on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina	19-Jan-07/1:41 PM
welcome to the East Coast of these "United" States. I wave in your general direction.
Re: He's... by holliebollie_19	17-Jan-07/7:07 AM
I'd rather you write often, rather than worry too much about writing well, at this stage of the game.
Re: I heart you by thetrev	17-Jan-07/6:20 AM
not the usual fare, I like it overall. it either needs to be about a third shorter, or twice as long - you pick.
Re: Hello Rockmage!! by SupremeDreamer	17-Jan-07/6:01 AM
Greets and Congratulations.
Re: Hello Rockmage!! by SupremeDreamer	17-Jan-07/6:01 AM
Greets and Congratulations.
Re: Bitter by Ranger	16-Jan-07/2:03 PM
I was swinging with it right up until the last line, with "degree". Some trouble with that. What does it mean?
Re: a comment on A Flower for Monet by Shuushin	16-Jan-07/1:11 PM
You could have just said you were jealous, and be done with it.
Re: The dancers by richa	11-Jan-07/10:55 AM
wondering at the "I can see"s and the "I could see" seems unnecessary. and "under gravity" as is, doesn't provide much value, does it? Some beefier description of how the gravity works upon the dancer/stone. mebbe just a modifier for gravity; I don't know. "and then/[some simile of gravity], collapsing"/"then finding their feet" still, I like it alot.
Re: Brains for Barter by Dovina	10-Jan-07/7:42 AM
You're improving, Dovina (to my ear, anyway ;o) okay. I'd loose the second "I'd" and two of the three "Your"s (prolly keep the second, loose the others). In general, and you can take this away to your other things, try to remove the words that don't advance the meaning (like scenes in a movie that don't advance the story). I know this is more of a lighter poem but it is still worth the exercise. Probably.
Re: Russian absinthe by AlexandraLeaving	10-Jan-07/7:01 AM
A Doctor Zhivago reference? Ivan Komarovsky? But I'm thinking that since you are from New York, it might be Mirra? But you said "he" earlier. I dunno now. I'm just being silly - it must be Zhivago. Maybe it's just some random guy. Anyway - I like the poem Post more things please.
Re: Exile in New Hamshire by AlexandraLeaving	10-Jan-07/6:46 AM
oh hey, I really like the tendons of this. Sure, some typos. If I had to change anything I'd put in more specific and interesting color words. and a better word, or descriptive phrase (better) than "departure". similarly - "vanquished" is iffy. And maybe instead of the last "New Hampshire", a more specific town, or maybe a county. dunno. Easily could be a 10 in my book.
Re: a comment on Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT	21-Nov-06/6:17 AM
By flow, in this context, I mean to lose oneself within the poem. To be carried from one line to the next without noticing the carriage return; line breaks become invisible. Practically speaking, maybe the shorter lines aren't doing you any favors here and the shorter words certainly aren't. There are effective poems that do have very short lines but this is difficult to pull off (and I do think you've made some of those, too). As I look at this poem as a whole, these bits pop: "38 year wine", "paperclip tangle", "give from the marrow", "grape juice" Much of the rest is either lost in a preposition phrase, or diluted with a weak verb or adjective "spotless white robe", taps and spigots doing things, small plum balls (that's gotta hurt). The more impact each word has the more easily the poem will flow as the reader is drawn from one thing to the next.
Re: Crappy by drnick	17-Oct-06/7:24 AM
It isn't really clear what this is about (in the poem - the commented reference makes it, if not meaningless, inconsequential). rain sliding down the window is approximately as primitive as one can get when describing rain sliding down a window.
Re: Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT	13-Oct-06/12:32 PM
line breaks are odd, IT; pieces of this I like alot, but it doesn't flow for me. trade more active verbs with "hold" "goes", "meet". Missed opportunities, make all the words worth something.
Re: Soy Flat White with One by helenwales	13-Oct-06/12:26 PM
Computer generated? if so - a nine, otherwise (not)
Re: Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT	5-Oct-06/7:16 AM
I think "black maw" doesn't help things, but otherwise very well crafted.