Fat Wayne reached over to Hermione And his hand zoomed up her skirt Like a rat whizzing up a sewer pipe So she smacked him one In his common ugly working-class kisser But he kept on groping clumsily. "Cut it out you fucker" she said Delicately through her chewing gum. But he was oh so very persistent And he kept on mauling her Leaning over and trying perpetually To get his hand in her smelly knickers As he had done for the past week And she was having none of it Even though he had treated her To a nice take-away kebab and chips again. "Come on" he said through gritted beery teeth "You let Darren and Jean-Jacques have a feel What's wrong with some of it for me?" Which was one hundred per cent true But Darren was a cripple and she'd felt sorry for him And Jean-Jacques had paid her twenty quid And had let her use his Blackberry To access the latest on Big Brother. And so the young couple struggled away In the front seat of Wayne's Dad's Ford Focus And accidentally - guess what, dear reader - Wayne's simian arm knocked against the gear lever And (seeing the dumbo hadn't put the handbrake on fully) The car slowly began to roll down the hill Down and down it went, down and down it went And there was no way of fucking stopping it. Wayne and Hermione noticed the untoward motion After a few moments naturally but it was too late As Wayne had inadvertently omitted To take his driving test and was about as hot Behind the wheel as he had been at school Or indeed was in the role of Don Giovanni So the car smashed into an inconveniently sited tree Near the bottom of the hill next to the sewage works. The steering wheel and Wayne's chest had an argument And Wayne's ribcage came out the loser So Wayne coughed and screamed and threw up His kebab followed by a bucket of blood Which rather smudged the upholstery And Hermione said hello to the windscreen With a resounding thud and I have to say She will not be sitting her exams next week. When the cops arrived they were not well-pleased After all Sgt Jones (male) and PC Nellie Dean Had been nine-tenths through a perfectly good blow-job When the emergency call disturbed their tryst. "Fucking youngsters" lamented the bold brave sergeant; "No fucking class at all these days" he added. And PC Dean noticed there was some still-odorous sperm Defiling her nice smart constabulary uniform.