Free verse № 147376
Bitter
Anna's ghost can stalk this swamp
Can stalk, for all I care
For she left me and wandered off
While I sat in despair
For she left me and wandered off
And never told me where
Anna's ghost can see herself
Reflected, white and wan
In rusty stagnant water's froth
A dirtied, dying swan
In rusty stagnant water's froth
A-weeping thereupon
Anna's ghost can sit among
The rotting twists of trees
And pluck her ragged strands of hair
Which billow in the breeze
And pluck her ragged strands of hair
In harp-string minor keys
Anna's ghost can howl and moan
In sorrow, at the moon
For he's the only one who'll hear
Such lonely banshee tunes
For he's the only one who'll hear
This song; a wood-score hewn
Anna's ghost can curse the day
She left my company
For other folk who left her there
With no road back to me
For other folk who left her there
To die in her degree
31 comments
no need to title it bitter, that makes me think of beer as much as anna's ghost.
For she left and wandered off would fit the rhythm better without the word me.
With no road back to me should really be the last line. bitterness of the sort described is really such a selfish sentiment, ending on any word other than "me" is practically a crime.
of course, this is all just basically me nitpicking. i love the poem. love it.
Good points - I didn't see that the title would be read that way, but I'll think of an alternative. The repeated line in stanza one is still troublesome, you're right - I probably will remove the 'me' (it was an early experiment with internal rhymes which I didn't continue).
I really agonised over which line to put at the end...I'm still torn, but you might sway me enough to change them round. Thank you again for the ideas, and the praise :-D
i must agree with nypoet about the last line; "to die in her degree" does not have the weight and finality of "with no road back to me". after all, that is what he is bitter about: she left and did not come back, not so much that she died. :P
For she left me and (she/then) wandered off
While I sat there in despair
For she left me and (she/then) wandered off
And never told me where
And, again, agreeing with nyp (guy is giving some tastey advice), the last line should be "With no road back to me". Other than that I like every fucking letter of this poem. nice!
I actually love titles almost as much as the poetry itself; this one was just for the drafting so it's bound to change in the future.
Nice use of verse and very morish.
Colin
The last line in s4 bugs me and doesn't work entirely. The caliber of the piece calls for something better there.
The last line needs changing, IMO. Perhaps 'to die by love's decree', 'my eyes to never see' 'my love to never see' (or 'taste') or simply 'no road back to me' (which would put a rather melancholy note to the end, making one wonder if he truly distains her so and to imply an ever so slight longing and sadness.)
You know I love your mind...this is fantastic and it shows your progress with rythm. I am also, as always, enchanted with the olde feel of these pieces. With this I see a more comfortable you going into a little darker place...you did it very well!
What does it mean?
all the ghosts...
made my vote
your mind is happy
butI'm telling you
you should learn to let it go
Here in the Jungle the tribes pay homage to their ghosts all the time and have places to honour them. Some people may say thats weird but its strangely compelling and helps them and me to talk to people who have gone.
It so eerie in the empty sense, regret in the third person, just a hint of bitter.
I like this very much.
=> Jess
Thus great use of metaphore in the ghosts...
=> Jess
How the devil are you these days? It's nice to see you around again :-)
Log in to add a comment.