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Poem from a gurney (Free verse) by INTRANSIT The tap slides in
the spigot is opened
and 38 year wine flows out.
Dear miserables
it is not my bag any more
as I grasp this small plum ball
gently squeezing
keeping this paperclip tangle tight
the spiral spine wound
pages from getting lost
this is the best way to
give from my easy chair
while Mary is still in her
spotless white robe
I give from the marrow
my wholeness rushes where needed
outside the wind blows cold
the rain falls
gutters fill
while inside this cantina
we join over cookies
and grape juice.
Up the ladder:
Last Ride
Down the ladder:
The Waning Spring
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Posted: October 10, 2006 7:31 AM PDT; Last modified: November 20, 2006 4:22 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0397344 Overall Rank: 7175 Comments:
I think it's about having blood drawn. Okay, but it'd be stronger to say so. The notebook analogy is good. Then in the cantina I lose the metaphor, but like the thought.
line breaks are odd, IT; pieces of this I like alot, but it doesn't flow for me.
trade more active verbs with "hold" "goes", "meet". Missed opportunities, make all the words worth something.
Thanks Shuushin. Talk to me more about flow please.
By flow, in this context, I mean to lose oneself within the poem. To be carried from one line to the next without noticing the carriage return; line breaks become invisible.
Practically speaking, maybe the shorter lines aren't doing you any favors here and the shorter words certainly aren't. There are effective poems that do have very short lines but this is difficult to pull off (and I do think you've made some of those, too). As I look at this poem as a whole, these bits pop: "38 year wine", "paperclip tangle", "give from the marrow", "grape juice" Much of the rest is either lost in a preposition phrase, or diluted with a weak verb or adjective "spotless white robe", taps and spigots doing things, small plum balls (that's gotta hurt). The more impact each word has the more easily the poem will flow as the reader is drawn from one thing to the next.
Thank you.
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Could get rid of some of 'the' in a couple of places perhaps, I don't think it'll interfere with the rhythm.
What do you mean by 'dear miserables'? Is it to people who've managed to guilt-trip you into donating, or am I missing something?
'My wholeness goes where needed' is lovely :-)
I couldn't figure out who the 'miserables' are, the inevitable drawing towards Les Miserables distracted me a little. But than, my attention span is nearly in negative numbers.