Poemranker [Replying] Fri Nov 22 00:05:41 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Poem from a gurney (Free verse) by INTRANSIT

The tap slides in the spigot is opened and 38 year wine flows out. Dear miserables it is not my bag any more as I grasp this small plum ball gently squeezing keeping this paperclip tangle tight the spiral spine wound pages from getting lost this is the best way to give from my easy chair while Mary is still in her spotless white robe I give from the marrow my wholeness rushes where needed outside the wind blows cold the rain falls gutters fill while inside this cantina we join over cookies and grape juice.

Shuushin

21-Nov-06/6:17 AM

By flow, in this context, I mean to lose oneself within the poem. To be carried from one line to the next without noticing the carriage return; line breaks become invisible.

Practically speaking, maybe the shorter lines aren't doing you any favors here and the shorter words certainly aren't. There are effective poems that do have very short lines but this is difficult to pull off (and I do think you've made some of those, too).

As I look at this poem as a whole, these bits pop: "38 year wine", "paperclip tangle", "give from the marrow", "grape juice"

Much of the rest is either lost in a preposition phrase, or diluted with a weak verb or adjective "spotless white robe", taps and spigots doing things, small plum balls (that's gotta hurt).

The more impact each word has the more easily the poem will flow as the reader is drawn from one thing to the next.

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