| regarding some deleted poem... |
10-Jan-07/6:33 AM |
"worship of thee" is an awkward prepositional construction; never trade meaning for meter or as a concession to an adjacent line. Consider "...worship *before* thee" as mentioned in Psalm 22:27 or Revelation 15:4. "of thee" is more typically associated with Indian or Islamic religions (and they tend not to use English as a first language).
That archaic objective case second person singular pronoun just seems to be another concession to rhyme with "sea", and the duplicated "me".
Captain's log, btw, generally doesn't make much noise (unless it is Kirk's voiceover). Maybe a splashing noise as it hits the water? Did you intend it as a metaphor for a priest?
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| Re: Exile in New Hamshire by AlexandraLeaving |
10-Jan-07/6:46 AM |
oh hey, I really like the tendons of this. Sure, some typos.
If I had to change anything I'd put in more specific and interesting color words.
and a better word, or descriptive phrase (better) than "departure".
similarly - "vanquished" is iffy.
And maybe instead of the last "New Hampshire", a more specific town, or maybe a county. dunno.
Easily could be a 10 in my book.
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| Re: Russian absinthe by AlexandraLeaving |
10-Jan-07/7:01 AM |
A Doctor Zhivago reference? Ivan Komarovsky? But I'm thinking that since you are from New York, it might be Mirra? But you said "he" earlier. I dunno now.
I'm just being silly - it must be Zhivago.
Maybe it's just some random guy.
Anyway - I like the poem
Post more things please.
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| Re: Brains for Barter by Dovina |
10-Jan-07/7:42 AM |
You're improving, Dovina (to my ear, anyway ;o)
okay. I'd loose the second "I'd" and two of the three "Your"s (prolly keep the second, loose the others).
In general, and you can take this away to your other things, try to remove the words that don't advance the meaning (like scenes in a movie that don't advance the story).
I know this is more of a lighter poem but it is still worth the exercise. Probably.
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| Re: The dancers by richa |
11-Jan-07/10:55 AM |
wondering at the "I can see"s and the "I could see"
seems unnecessary.
and "under gravity" as is, doesn't provide much value, does it? Some beefier description of how the gravity works upon the dancer/stone. mebbe just a modifier for gravity; I don't know. "and then/[some simile of gravity], collapsing"/"then finding their feet"
still, I like it alot.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Jan-07/5:50 AM |
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Good to see you back, Mr. Mage.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Jan-07/5:24 AM |
long-winded in the last third. Thank you for not creating a darts/farts rhyme.
Fixing the last three stanzas will earn you a vote.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Jan-07/5:31 AM |
winterS...yields wtf?
lots of noise simply for the concession of rhyme - for example, if you removed "in the day" and "on their way" and why not, "and say" - there is absolutely no meaning lost and the thing is so much better for it.
plenty of what, exactly, from nature[']s quiver? And what does the warmth and light deliver? Birds?
and yes, that indentation... have you every had anything published with that indentation intact?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Jan-07/5:39 AM |
Ginger sprinkled orchid is interesting. The rest. Is not.
I've made programs that grab random adjectives, adverbs, nouns in semi-random sequences to produce poetry. This is like that. Sometimes you get surprised, sometimes not in a good way.
The government uses something similar to name wars - I hope someday we see "Operation Ginger Sprinkled Orchid".
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| Re: Bitter by Ranger |
16-Jan-07/2:03 PM |
I was swinging with it right up until the last line, with "degree". Some trouble with that.
What does it mean?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
17-Jan-07/5:50 AM |
don't really need the "And see"
"written down" is weak - a missed opportunity
"Life's story" is trite, consider a set of words summarizing the subjects functions through this life - something else.
eyes "seeing" is redundant, and another missed opportunity
why are they poignant? Because they are green and blue? Because you say they are? Not very convincing.
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| Re: Hello Rockmage!! by SupremeDreamer |
17-Jan-07/6:01 AM |
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Greets and Congratulations.
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| Re: Hello Rockmage!! by SupremeDreamer |
17-Jan-07/6:01 AM |
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Greets and Congratulations.
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| Re: I heart you by thetrev |
17-Jan-07/6:20 AM |
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not the usual fare, I like it overall. it either needs to be about a third shorter, or twice as long - you pick.
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| Re: He's... by holliebollie_19 |
17-Jan-07/7:07 AM |
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I'd rather you write often, rather than worry too much about writing well, at this stage of the game.
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| Re: Let's praise great Britannia's golden days of now and then by Edna Sweetlove |
11-Feb-07/9:18 PM |
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blah - who cares about this nationalistic shite.
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| Re: A Tragic Love Tryst In The Park Near The Sewage Works by Edna Sweetlove |
11-Feb-07/9:19 PM |
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more drivel - well crafted, but really - why bother. it's like gold-plating dog shit.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
11-Feb-07/9:20 PM |
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| Re: Two Cunts by mr cunt |
14-Mar-07/6:46 PM |
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the only one I've actually read past the first line
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Mar-07/6:46 PM |
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