on Exile in New Hamshire by AlexandraLeaving
10 Jan 2007, 6:46 AM
oh hey, I really like the tendons of this. Sure, some typos.
If I had to change anything I'd put in more specific and interesting color words.
and a better word, or descriptive phrase (better) than "departure".
similarly - "vanquished" is iffy.
And maybe instead of the last "New Hampshire", a more specific town, or maybe a county. dunno.
Easily could be a 10 in my book.
If I had to change anything I'd put in more specific and interesting color words.
and a better word, or descriptive phrase (better) than "departure".
similarly - "vanquished" is iffy.
And maybe instead of the last "New Hampshire", a more specific town, or maybe a county. dunno.
Easily could be a 10 in my book.
on Brains for Barter by Dovina
10 Jan 2007, 7:42 AM
You're improving, Dovina (to my ear, anyway ;o)
okay. I'd loose the second "I'd" and two of the three "Your"s (prolly keep the second, loose the others).
In general, and you can take this away to your other things, try to remove the words that don't advance the meaning (like scenes in a movie that don't advance the story).
I know this is more of a lighter poem but it is still worth the exercise. Probably.
okay. I'd loose the second "I'd" and two of the three "Your"s (prolly keep the second, loose the others).
In general, and you can take this away to your other things, try to remove the words that don't advance the meaning (like scenes in a movie that don't advance the story).
I know this is more of a lighter poem but it is still worth the exercise. Probably.
on The dancers by richa
11 Jan 2007, 10:55 AM
wondering at the "I can see"s and the "I could see"
seems unnecessary.
and "under gravity" as is, doesn't provide much value, does it? Some beefier description of how the gravity works upon the dancer/stone. mebbe just a modifier for gravity; I don't know. "and then/[some simile of gravity], collapsing"/"then finding their feet"
still, I like it alot.
seems unnecessary.
and "under gravity" as is, doesn't provide much value, does it? Some beefier description of how the gravity works upon the dancer/stone. mebbe just a modifier for gravity; I don't know. "and then/[some simile of gravity], collapsing"/"then finding their feet"
still, I like it alot.
on Russian absinthe by AlexandraLeaving
10 Jan 2007, 7:01 AM
A Doctor Zhivago reference? Ivan Komarovsky? But I'm thinking that since you are from New York, it might be Mirra? But you said "he" earlier. I dunno now.
I'm just being silly - it must be Zhivago.
Maybe it's just some random guy.
Anyway - I like the poem
Post more things please.
I'm just being silly - it must be Zhivago.
Maybe it's just some random guy.
Anyway - I like the poem
Post more things please.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2007, 5:39 AM
Ginger sprinkled orchid is interesting. The rest. Is not.
I've made programs that grab random adjectives, adverbs, nouns in semi-random sequences to produce poetry. This is like that. Sometimes you get surprised, sometimes not in a good way.
The government uses something similar to name wars - I hope someday we see "Operation Ginger Sprinkled Orchid".
I've made programs that grab random adjectives, adverbs, nouns in semi-random sequences to produce poetry. This is like that. Sometimes you get surprised, sometimes not in a good way.
The government uses something similar to name wars - I hope someday we see "Operation Ginger Sprinkled Orchid".
on some deleted poem
14 Jan 2007, 5:50 AM
Good to see you back, Mr. Mage.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2007, 5:24 AM
long-winded in the last third. Thank you for not creating a darts/farts rhyme.
Fixing the last three stanzas will earn you a vote.
Fixing the last three stanzas will earn you a vote.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2007, 5:31 AM
winterS...yields wtf?
lots of noise simply for the concession of rhyme - for example, if you removed "in the day" and "on their way" and why not, "and say" - there is absolutely no meaning lost and the thing is so much better for it.
plenty of what, exactly, from nature[']s quiver? And what does the warmth and light deliver? Birds?
and yes, that indentation... have you every had anything published with that indentation intact?
lots of noise simply for the concession of rhyme - for example, if you removed "in the day" and "on their way" and why not, "and say" - there is absolutely no meaning lost and the thing is so much better for it.
plenty of what, exactly, from nature[']s quiver? And what does the warmth and light deliver? Birds?
and yes, that indentation... have you every had anything published with that indentation intact?
on some deleted poem
17 Jan 2007, 5:50 AM
don't really need the "And see"
"written down" is weak - a missed opportunity
"Life's story" is trite, consider a set of words summarizing the subjects functions through this life - something else.
eyes "seeing" is redundant, and another missed opportunity
why are they poignant? Because they are green and blue? Because you say they are? Not very convincing.
"written down" is weak - a missed opportunity
"Life's story" is trite, consider a set of words summarizing the subjects functions through this life - something else.
eyes "seeing" is redundant, and another missed opportunity
why are they poignant? Because they are green and blue? Because you say they are? Not very convincing.
on Hello Rockmage!! by SupremeDreamer
17 Jan 2007, 6:01 AM
Greets and Congratulations.
on Hello Rockmage!! by SupremeDreamer
17 Jan 2007, 6:01 AM
Greets and Congratulations.
on I heart you by thetrev
17 Jan 2007, 6:20 AM
not the usual fare, I like it overall. it either needs to be about a third shorter, or twice as long - you pick.
on He's... by holliebollie_19
17 Jan 2007, 7:07 AM
I'd rather you write often, rather than worry too much about writing well, at this stage of the game.
on Let's praise great Britannia's golden days of now and then by Edna Sweetlove
11 Feb 2007, 9:18 PM
blah - who cares about this nationalistic shite.
on A Tragic Love Tryst In The Park Near The Sewage Works by Edna Sweetlove
11 Feb 2007, 9:19 PM
more drivel - well crafted, but really - why bother. it's like gold-plating dog shit.
on some deleted poem
11 Feb 2007, 9:20 PM
also drivel.
on some deleted poem
14 Mar 2007, 6:46 PM
still a zero
That archaic objective case second person singular pronoun just seems to be another concession to rhyme with "sea", and the duplicated "me".
Captain's log, btw, generally doesn't make much noise (unless it is Kirk's voiceover). Maybe a splashing noise as it hits the water? Did you intend it as a metaphor for a priest?