Re: Martijn by Chasz Misleading	17-Mar-06/10:09 AM
Hope Martijn liked it.
Re: Indiscrete by ecargo	17-Mar-06/10:16 AM
Great lines, I thought you were going to build on the rhymes in lines 1 and 2 (loved 'trophy or catastrophe?' by the way) but it works well as it is. Now, I have a very strange reading of this. It made me think of fried eggs. 'Naked' - skin-coloured shell...'deconstructed motion' - the way an egg rolls...'bucked' - 'clucked'...'morning's flat' - in the pan...'sun slap through brocade' - yolk through shell...'oddball artifact' - speaks for itself. Really, the more I think about that reading, the more I realise how weird I am. Hmm. Speaking of oddball artifacts, for two days now there's been half a potato with a small paper flag saying 'King Edward' sat on top of a car on my way to uni.
Re: solid to fall aparty by skaskowski	17-Mar-06/10:25 AM
I know of someone who had half their teeth knocked out while playing rugby; this poem made me think of that.
Re: The Horror The Horror by Nicholas Jones	17-Mar-06/10:29 AM
Stanza 9 - so very true. Well, I've never joined a socialist party, but still I hear what you're saying. Having missed the news yesterday I didn't get the story of those drug tests that went wrong...but that sounded like a 'The horror! The horror!' moment...
Re: The Peccadillary by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	17-Mar-06/2:21 PM
HA! Supreme, once again. You prove once again to be the poemranker Master of Rhyme (P.I.) Give me one good reason why I shouldn't blabber childish adulation all over your poetry! -9- 'To address a Knight of the Realm as a "Mr."' - unforgivable.
Re: Looking Back by x0lovelylarnx0	17-Mar-06/3:49 PM
Hmm...potential, but it really needs changes (in my opinion). The ideas are nice but the word choices don't do it any sort of justice. Try using fewer pronouns (this is a pretty universal rule), particularly if you want the reader to 'relate'. Also...think about rewriting this in the 3rd person - it gives you a lot more scope to be creative, to invent imagery and use metaphorical language. Which will earn you bonus points on here, trust me. Keep working at it.
Re: Likeness by MacFrantic	18-Mar-06/5:06 AM
'Tis the season to be jolly...oh, wait. Good ending!
Re: My God by ElmoBeavisButthead	18-Mar-06/6:13 AM
Hmm, I never was one for existential thought, but it's not a bad poem. I like the fact that it's concise, in a way, but then I'd also like to see it more...substantial, if you see what I mean. The first line sets a good tone for the poem; but as far as imagery goes you don't capitalise on the potential. I don't know, maybe you don't want visuals in here...that's fair enough, but my preference is to see something tactile - particularly something creative, something vivid and imaginative. Having said that, however, what you do say is said well...you don't give in to the 'preach-y' nature that often accompanies poems such as this. Have a look round various poems on here - see what you think to the styles kicking about. 7 from me - with any luck you'll get some useful advice from the better poets here.
Re: Black Belt by etherealmaiden	18-Mar-06/2:21 PM
This is cool, nicely concise - fast as though struggling for breath (due to the belt being too tight). There are a couple of places where I'd change word choices purely for rhythmical reasons - 'couples all around' I'd change to 'couples around', 'I must lose weight' would work better as 'I have to lose weight', but to be fair these are just small issues. Overall, not bad!
Re: Majdanek by Niphredil	18-Mar-06/2:25 PM
Powerful; the imagery in the last 5 lines could possibly be brought out a bit more. Not sure about 'timber creaked with evil'...it doesn't really creak with evil - timber creaked despairingly, maybe?
Re: Shades by Niphredil	18-Mar-06/2:31 PM
For the context, I thought the first line was stunning. Good parallels between living and dead. I felt like I wanted an image after line two - something in keeping with the 'barren timbers'/'rotten floorboards' theme perhaps. Other than that, no quarrel.
Re: I sat beside the night by Niphredil	18-Mar-06/2:36 PM
Great metre! Very classical in feel, meets with approval here. I like the idea of the night kissing someone's upturned face - some nicely original ideas in this one.
Re: Forgiveness by Niphredil	18-Mar-06/2:41 PM
This is great! The sort of anti-Pimple...I like the alternative viewpoint - unexpected, certainly.
Re: I don't rhyme enough, eh? by Niphredil	18-Mar-06/2:47 PM
"I'm sure that a poem is oft viewed as neater/When properly rhymed and according to meter"...this made me chuckle! And yes...rhyming isn't the easiest thing in the world, well, good rhyming, that is.
Re: Waking at night by Niphredil	18-Mar-06/2:50 PM
Hmm...wasn't sure about 'bat-wings beat spastically' - it seemed a bit cumbersome, and bats are generally very graceful, in an odd sort of way - the same way that swifts are.
Re: Returning Home by Niphredil	18-Mar-06/2:55 PM
Reminds me of Christmas Eve when I was about eleven...a beautiful night, one that felt more enchanted than usual...one of my favourite memories...that's put a smile on my face =D so for that, thank you
Re: Louwanda by Jeremi B. Handrinos	19-Mar-06/3:40 AM
Loving the title - it suits the poem perfectly (and it is, by the way, a top poem!) Good to see you back!
Re: My Resuscitating Love by Silverjackel	19-Mar-06/3:43 AM
Interesting concept, and very linguistically impressive. 'Miracle/Satirical' is one of the more innovative rhymes in recent posts!
Re: The Cracks in my Wall by Richard	19-Mar-06/3:48 AM
Ugh, I don't like this kid, but I do like the poem. Particularly the spice in the sunset, very vividly done. A couple of suggestions - there are a few typos in here, 'viciousness', 'was' (line 15), 'neighbo(u)r's'. Also, I would have added one more violent-themed activity just to complete the distasteful character. I love 'Today there was no change...I was just supposed to be evil'.
Re: Dashboard Jesus by wilco	19-Mar-06/3:50 AM
Cool, very sad but not overdramatic. I do like the last line, the double possibility of you talking to her or to Jesus, and the mirroring of the first two lines of stanzas 1 and 3. Good to have you back!