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Indiscrete (Free verse) by ecargo
Naked, it's complicated-- trophy or catastrophe? Jazz and deconstructed motion, hours bucked and, always, lies. Morning's flat, a sun slap through brocade, and I, who am not from here, wake, an oddball artifact, something found.

Down the ladder: California triolets

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Arithmetic Mean: 9.333333
Weighted score: 7.1666665
Overall Rank: 15
Posted: March 17, 2006 6:08 AM PST; Last modified: March 17, 2006 6:08 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 17-Mar-06/10:16 AM | Reply
Great lines, I thought you were going to build on the rhymes in lines 1 and 2 (loved 'trophy or catastrophe?' by the way) but it works well as it is.
Now, I have a very strange reading of this. It made me think of fried eggs. 'Naked' - skin-coloured shell...'deconstructed motion' - the way an egg rolls...'bucked' - 'clucked'...'morning's flat' - in the pan...'sun slap through brocade' - yolk through shell...'oddball artifact' - speaks for itself.
Really, the more I think about that reading, the more I realise how weird I am. Hmm. Speaking of oddball artifacts, for two days now there's been half a potato with a small paper flag saying 'King Edward' sat on top of a car on my way to uni.
[n/a] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 > Ranger | 17-Mar-06/1:19 PM | Reply
Fried eggs! Exactly!

Well, no, I'm kidding. I never thought of eggs, not once. But it's interesting how you got there.

Ah, yes! The King Edward potato! ;) Ummm . . .

A little research yields that "King Edward potatoes have been the true British potato for centuries." http://gardenaction.co.uk/fruit_veg_diary/fruit_veg_mini_project_november_1_potato_kingedward.htm

Maybe he or she is just a true potato patriot.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > ecargo | 17-Mar-06/1:50 PM | Reply
Yes - I sell King Edwards from time to time when I'm working to pay my way through uni...and lets face it, there's nothing more British than a KE. Except for a DA, of course.
Actually I think it's a stunt for the university SU elections...it definitely works for me, I'll be certain to vote for a potato.
By the way, just in case any more proof of how thick I am were needed, it took me weeks to work out that you used to log in here as hatters hare - you changed name while I was away.
Anyhoo, happy St. Patrick's Day!
[n/a] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 > Ranger | 17-Mar-06/1:57 PM | Reply
Actually, I was away for a long time too--we all seemed to split around the same time. Things got a little wacky during the Ornella Muti fiasco and whatnot. But, yeah, I was HH. Not thick at all--no reason you'd know.

And right back atcha! About to end my workday and go find a nice Jameson rocks somewhere, in honor of the occasion. ;) Here's lookin' at ya!
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > ecargo | 17-Mar-06/2:16 PM | Reply
Ha! I managed to miss the Ornella episode entirely - although I've seen the Orange Award captions, I have no idea what actually happened.
And over here - I'm too broke (and too English, possibly!) to celebrate the day in style...plus all the Irish pubs will be utterly rammed tonight. But then, it wouldn't be St. P's Day otherwise - the Irish certainly know how to celebrate! Enjoy!
[9] Niphredil @ 132.69.238.221 | 18-Mar-06/9:47 AM | Reply
I wonder if your title is a spelling error of 'indiscreet'? Because if so, it sounds like you're giving a terrific description of waking up in a strange apartment, after a one-night stand. (jeez, I wonder if I'm waay off the mark here).

Assuming it ain't a mistake, the title means, loosely, 'continuous' or 'not individually distinct', and I'm having trouble associating it with the rest of the poem which is very individualistic. I actually like this meaning better; it's unconventional and interesting, and I might just consider blatant plagiarism... *blushes*
[n/a] ecargo @ 63.22.19.179 > Niphredil | 18-Mar-06/10:35 AM | Reply
You're dead on. Although I had a hotel room in mind with "brocade."

I spelled the title this way deliberately, to imply a lack of separateness, doing things out of a need for connection, connectedness (my ancient Webster's has one meaning as "not separated"). Whether it works is another matter! (I think it does for the first verse; for the second, it's more of a stretch.)

I've no dibs on the word, so feel free! ;)
[8] wilco @ 24.92.74.122 | 19-Mar-06/1:33 AM | Reply
super
[10] Scarlett @ 70.171.72.141 | 24-Mar-06/6:39 AM | Reply
An excellent write, tracking that unreachable, uncomfortable feeling after a one-night stand. (never had one myself, but my girlfriends have told me the emotions, much like the ones visually described here)..
[n/a] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 > Scarlett | 24-Mar-06/7:07 AM | Reply
Well, don't let this discourage you--it's not always like this. Sometimes you wake up giddy, sated, and oddly triumphant. ;-)

Thanks for the comment and the vote.
[10] Scarlett @ 66.210.233.6 > ecargo | 24-Mar-06/7:55 AM | Reply
Lol.. thanks for the positive potential, but I have to say most of my girlfriends would agree with your poem rather than the "giddy, sated and oddly triumphant" view. ;-)
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