| Re: Post-mortem by jen |
23-Jan-08/2:20 AM |
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I don't like cummings so a comment would be unfair.
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| Re: Cinematic Indulgence by nentwined |
21-Jul-08/3:10 AM |
How quickly can you recite this?
I love the skipping beat. It gives the poem a sort of it-might-be-meaningful-but-who-cares feel, almost childish. Makes me think you're the sort of person who says "dah-ling" to everyone you meet.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
21-Jul-08/3:15 AM |
The darkened hem and the golden swords are beautiful visions. Your image poetry is much better than the less tangible stuff you write.
You've got a stop-start rhyme system going on here, I think it would be better with a couple of soft rhymes in the second stanza to give a bit more rhythm. But that could just be me. What are you up to these days?
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| Re: About the Broken Glass... by nypoet22 |
21-Jul-08/3:22 AM |
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Great. "Is it sticks or bats, or hearts that beat" is a fabulous line. Did you mean to abandon the rhyme scheme with "cracks"?
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| Re: U.S. Lite by PodPoet |
21-Jul-08/3:24 AM |
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| Re: in this bus terminal of the future by nentwined |
21-Jul-08/3:27 AM |
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| Re: Rails to Trails by Dovina |
6-Oct-08/4:26 PM |
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I like the fourth stanza, altered a bit. Especially the "servants like me" bit (no comma needed after it), because unlike the rest, which is pretty generalised, it brings the focus down to one point, one place. I don't think it wants the repeated 'to'. You could get away with using 'where' once more there - "...where boys chase rabbits/where more people/clog the freeways". Or something like that.
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| Re: Mountain Fever by Celticai |
6-Oct-08/4:31 PM |
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Sort of New Age. Are you a painter?
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| Re: Alice to Slumber by Skamper |
6-Oct-08/4:39 PM |
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| Re: night owl (5) by elementalidad |
6-Oct-08/4:53 PM |
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I know more or less nothing about Japanese poetry, but this is a shining example of how good simplicity can be in poetry. Your others try to be a bit too poetic, whereas this makes the reader do all the work without realising it. Top drawer.
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| Re: Spanish Patio at Old Mission Inn by Dovina |
14-Oct-08/1:34 AM |
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I like bits of this - some of the first stanza, and the last two lines in particular. 'Fall' would work better than 'fail' for me. I don't think the overtly Biblical imagery does it any favours though. I was thinking more along the lines of an old Gordon Lightfoot song - 'Spanish Moss'.
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| Re: Help! by Dovina |
22-Jun-12/3:29 PM |
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| Re: Max's Poems by nentwined |
22-Jun-12/3:57 PM |
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Is that rockmage on the cover?
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| Re: The Cat Goddess by nypoet22 |
22-Jun-12/4:11 PM |
Mostly ace. May I suggest some crits? I'm going to anyway.
Line 4 trips the rhythm too much - perhaps needs revising?
Line 8 - get rid of 'like'. It's unnecessary and interrupts the flow.
As someone's already said, 'valo(u)r' and 'greater' just don't do it. The other rhymes are perfect (flesh/creche? Fantastic!) so don't spoil it right at the end.
Otherwise, like -8-
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| Re: Facebook Post by Skamper |
22-Jun-12/4:14 PM |
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| Re: The Owl in the Wasteland by Caducus |
22-Jun-12/4:35 PM |
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I haven't a clue what's going on here.
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| Re: Sponds Hill, Cheshire, 26 December 2013 by Nicholas Jones |
3-Oct-14/3:17 PM |
I used to live near-ish to there.
Agree with nentwined - much of this is lovely. I particularly like the closing lines - very nice.
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| Re: A mag that PAYS??? by SupremeDreamer |
3-Oct-14/3:19 PM |
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Only one way to find out, right?
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| Re: Glossary without an index by daniella |
3-Oct-14/3:28 PM |
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Some cool ideas. The whole thing feels quite bleak - or have I read it wrong?
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| Re: Stripping the willow by ecargo |
4-Dec-15/3:31 PM |
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ecargo! I wanted to get in touch a while back but had no way. Are you still writing?
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