regarding some deleted poem...	20-Sep-07/1:49 AM
In an historical account of human civilisation, what else would you expect?
Re: Rooster Rape by Dovina	20-Sep-07/1:51 AM
Is line two missing something?
Re: Solstice, 2007 by lectricprincess	28-Sep-07/2:12 AM
This seemed to be more suitable for a monologue rather than a poem - it feels as though it wants the lyrical embellishments of a poem, but delivered through other means (background ambience, music maybe). It would also benefit from the images evolving; what you have is mostly a collection of often-used ideas (weather, ocean, leaves etc.) which are nice but seem a little insubstantial. If you can add some truly original passages to go with the stock phrases then in my opinion it would become infinitely more engaging. On a lighter note, I went to the summer solstice at Stonehenge a few years back and it was marvellous. I'm not sure which was better; the ceremonial theatrics, or the trampling over peoples' faces in the dark because they were too paralytic to care.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Sep-07/2:15 AM
I think I'm on the verge of seeing what you're after here. It deserves a second read - I'll come back. -8- because I like what I've seen so far. P.S. - I just had a visit from the Spelling Gestapo: they want me to say there's only one s in 'disappearing'. Pedantic, aren't they?
Re: While waiting for someone to check in my cars by INTRANSIT	21-Oct-07/1:25 PM
I've always seen mother/child poems as being sentimental (and that isn't a bad thing). I think you've moved away from the sentimentality and given this a nice deftness of touch which makes it more than just a picture. My view is that it needs something catchy in the sounds to make it stick in the old grey matter, otherwise there's the risk of a reader not giving it the reading it deserves. You've got the amount of description spot on, so it would be a shame for people not to read it as it needs.
Re: Wayne, do you? by T. Jonathron Remp	21-Oct-07/1:28 PM
Good fun
Re: Never Let Go by x0lovelylarnx0	21-Oct-07/1:35 PM
Intransit's given the comment that you need to be going on with for now. This doesn't deserve a 0 - it's got the basics of metaphor and vivid imagery in here, and that counts for something. What you need to do now is learn to control those things, make them subtle when appropriate, direct when appropriate. A lot of people will tell you that you have to write "from your own experience", but to be honest that's a load of tosh. While you're learning the trade it's just as easy (possibly more so, in fact) to write about something that you haven't had first-hand experience of. You clearly know a few poetic devices (lots of alliteration in here), now you need to work out when to use them. Listen to the sounds and cadence of the words and, more than anything, devour some of the classic poems so you have some good examples of poetry to work with. -8- because I'm nice like that.
Re: Parasite by Christof	21-Oct-07/1:40 PM
Good poeme, although the train comes in maybe a little too abruptly, and "very least" sounds a bit too chunky to end with. Love the idea though.
Re: _______ by Dovina	25-Oct-07/2:03 AM
It sounds fantastic, although I'm not sure that "underlined nothing" is such a catchy title...
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Oct-07/2:07 AM
It needs several reads to do it justice. Loads of punch, and the last line is the knockout blow. Awesome.
Re: INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT	25-Oct-07/2:11 AM
No time for a proper commente just yet but I will say this has fired me up to write something today. Cheers!
regarding some deleted poem...	8-Dec-07/4:31 AM
Parts of it don't scan as it is. Write it out purely as a monologue (which is what it is in essence) and then dismantle that on the page. Things I like: wailing walls and waifs of wood. Things I don't like: the bit about Eden, and surveying of stains (a bit of overkill). I'm not crazy about him seeing acceptingly that he's in denial either. And - I know I'm picking only the bits that I didn't like - referring to himself in the third person is a bit, well, pompous. Maybe other people will disagree with me. If it was my poem I'd look to scratch a few things and tighten it up here and there. That's my five minutes' worth of thought, anyway. Keep writing.
Re: Engine Braking by INTRANSIT	8-Dec-07/4:34 AM
Perfect word choice, but it left me wanting something more. Do you use sat-nav in your cab?
Re: Day Dream by Jessina	8-Dec-07/4:37 AM
Pretty.
regarding some deleted poem...	8-Dec-07/4:40 AM
Very strong, and I love the idea of awaking in tattoos. I just think you could get more effect by bringing in some sort of rhythm. I don't feel any in here.
Re: INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT	8-Dec-07/4:45 AM
The last 6 lines are the best I've seen on poemeranker in months. The grammar Gestapo are going to be calling round about a couple of those apostrophes though.
Re: On the Swings by Christof	8-Dec-07/4:48 AM
This is utterly wonderful. Why is it buried away?
regarding some deleted poem...	8-Dec-07/5:02 AM
Damn good. Just change "that is...pregnant" to "who is..." I don't think the narrator wants to objectify his wife in that way.
Re: The Least of These by Dovina	21-Dec-07/2:59 PM
Love the last stanza, and bits here and there also appeal. Stanzas one and two are nice but could be reworded to be a bit more, well, poetic. The sickly kids section is also promising, but I don't really like the word 'kids' in poetry. And I hate seeing life rhymed with strife. It's only a flying visit I've paid, but I have read this a couple of times since it was posted. Hope the Christmas season's treating you well!
Re: Happy Birthday by jessicazee	21-Dec-07/3:02 PM
Aside from the punctuation not scanning well at the start (it's the hyphen that threw me) this is excellent.