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On the Swings (Free verse) by Christof These swings are perilous; take special care.
You could fall through the morning, it is so clear,
And if you slip now you'll never stop
You'll fling like a stone from a sling into space
And I will go out
And pay for a telescope and minutely trace
Your path until Pluto where you'll briefly spark
And enter the deep dark forever.
Here, let me give you a push.
Up the ladder:
she did not
Down the ladder:
An ode to my sugar daddy, but in haiku
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.9375
Posted: October 17, 2002 2:06 AM PDT; Last modified: October 17, 2002 2:06 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.936646 Overall Rank: 1405 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[8]
INTRANSIT @ 152.163.188.72
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17-Oct-02/5:41 AM
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Reply
Swing away! If I shut up long enough, would you mentor me?
[n/a]
Christof @ 195.172.133.226
> INTRANSIT
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17-Oct-02/5:45 AM
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Reply
I'm flattered. I wouldn't know where to start though - Ith ink a person must have balls of steel to sit down and tell someone how to write poems. It's all just from reading reading reading and finding rhythms in your head and being true to your own voice. Not that I always manage to pull it off, but those are the starting points I think. And anyway, I like your stuff, it has honesty.
[8]
INTRANSIT @ 205.188.209.77
> Christof
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17-Oct-02/4:16 PM
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Reply
Thanks for your help Christof, I really appreciate this. V2 is up and a hearty cup of Earl Grey to you:)
this sounds like great fun!
who would you like to give a little shove to, christof?
I would start with ex-girlfriends and work down through annoying co-workers to irritating TV presenters. I could really have a good time.
Hee hee hee.
Playful.
I really like it; perhaps the pushee could end up in the Milky Way black hole.
Yep, best place for them.
I remember swinging as hard as I could on the swing in my back garden, then deliberately jumping off as fast as I could. I never thought of the swing as an implement of destruction, though.
Neither had I until I saw this particularly nauseating couple in the park the other day. All that laughing and giggling and big eyes and yuck. Am I a curmudgeon? very probably.
10!
Thanks Vulcan, who would you fling off the end of the swing?
Sorry!I do it immediately!will you tell me what exactly was wrong with"Snow-White"?
I think really it was a lack of clarity - in trying to capture the derangement of the narrator, the poem itsef became confusing. The usage of 'Sole' is very unusual, the word isn't usually used as a noun unless you're talking about the soles of the feet, which I think put some people off, and the red nose is a comic image and it was hard to be sure if you intended it to be so. It's not a lost cause at all, though - it just comes across as being a bit weird. That can be a good thing, though.
Thanks for voting. Does this criticism seem fair?
yes!thank you!but that swelling nose is bitter ironic!
OK, good, that's how it reads.
I've sent you something.you may recieve it maybe not immediately!I hope you enjoy it.
Service with a smile (and gritted teeth!) Great imagery but the tone makes it.??
No curmudgeon could have written" Instructions to a sculpter". The only reason you have ex-girlfiends is because their glasses were dirty. Very diry indeed! Happy 29th approaching!
Thanks! It's on Thursday. I shall start to wave goodbye to my twenties. The thirties are supposed to be good, or so people say.
hmmm a playful warning/promise towards oblivion or bliss?!
very clever. let me give you a push indeed.:)
Very funny. A nice (old fashioned meaning) touch. Stylish. Elegant
please do.9.
i guess this makes you a swinger...sorry, i didn't realize i've become this cheesy
This is utterly wonderful. Why is it buried away?
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