Poemranker [Poem: The Least of These] [by Dovina] Thu Nov 21 11:08:20 PST 2024

What matters is your fruit, He said clothing given to a robber a stranger warmly fed Not a gift to fellow Christian but repulsive neighbor loved cheek exposed to slapping brat That was how He showed the way that was how His truth brought strife but in the end, He promised life Children know, adults must learn this baby on the hay who made the place in which He lay Is just as weak and strangely made as sickly kids in Pakistan who wish us only harm They would follow Abraham give their only baby imitate their God See Him lie there needing care and one day He will say âYou did it unto meâ What separates fire from its heat bodies from their stench or young devotion from radioactive rain?

[9] jessicazee @ 24.160.246.91 | 20-Dec-07/11:29 PM | Reply

I repeated "a stranger warmly fed" a few times out loud. Good feelings.
Didn't love "as sickly kids in Pakistan" (to clarify, I LOVE those kids), but not sure your specificity there works.
Last stanza's first two lines are as striking and good-ending-y as it comes, but the last line seems out-of-place? Really liked this, thanks for making me think, inspirational. 9

[n/a] Dovina @ 208.127.120.77 > jessicazee | 21-Dec-07/11:09 AM | Reply

It seems my Pakistani kids struck an unwelcome note for both you and Caducus. I guess we get so many appeals this time of year that this one seems trite. Still, the words of this baby in the hay also seem trite in all their familiarityâgive your tunic to the robber why just stole your cloak, and turn the other cheek, do good to those who hate you, etc. Just sounds counterproductive. Maybe itâs not, and maybe those Pakistani kids who want us dead are better won than shot. Thanks for your thoughts.

[n/a] Caducus @ 80.229.129.138 | 21-Dec-07/3:23 AM | Reply

5th Stanza will court controversy and as its an opinion of the writers you may be asked by some to elaborate on it. Like baby in the hay but dont like sickly kids in....

Line 2 needs to end with - is, or a link to next line.

I think you can say this shorter with more impact and leave out your thoughts and write from a neutral ground.

[n/a] Dovina @ 208.127.120.169 > Caducus | 21-Dec-07/9:38 PM | Reply

Line 2 ends with an implied pause, at least I want it to. This leads to the new phrase in Line 3. I can see how you thought they should be part of the same thought, but theyâre not. I want the controversy that this poem courts. Thanks for noticing. Itâs a harsh Christmas theme, designed to antagonize. Thanks for commenting.

[8] Ranger @ 86.140.67.149 | 21-Dec-07/2:59 PM | Reply

Love the last stanza, and bits here and there also appeal. Stanzas one and two are nice but could be reworded to be a bit more, well, poetic. The sickly kids section is also promising, but I don't really like the word 'kids' in poetry. And I hate seeing life rhymed with strife. It's only a flying visit I've paid, but I have read this a couple of times since it was posted. Hope the Christmas season's treating you well!