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Day Dream (Other) by Jessina
Beneath the golden maple tree she sat Gaily on a tinted rosy mat With her treasured violin in her hand Composing blissful hymns so ardent Tuning the soft strings with never ending zeal Pouring the joy of her mellowing feel Enchanting music of magnificent allure pour Like meandering rivulets splashing its invigorating roar Drifting herself in a glittering trance The spectacular view of a rhythmic dance Where he waltz with his amazing charm To grasp her delicately in his unfolding arm A ray of happiness flounced her face To dance with him in gentle pace Monsoon showers quietly splashed Whispering that her dream is slashed

Up the ladder: Celestial Veil
Down the ladder: Untitled

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.75
Weighted score: 5.089402
Overall Rank: 6327
Posted: December 3, 2007 1:58 AM PST; Last modified: December 3, 2007 1:58 AM PST
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Comments:
[6] Dovina @ 75.82.99.11 | 4-Dec-07/2:00 PM | Reply
a nice attempt at old-time charm. Some of the articles and pronouns can go I think, i.e. "Where he waltz with his amazing charm" = Where he waltzes with amazing charm.

With treasured violin in hand
Composing blissful ardent hymns
[n/a] Jessina @ 203.199.41.148 > Dovina | 5-Dec-07/11:31 PM | Reply
Thanks a lot Dovina....

i was trying to make it rhyming dear.....

Thanks a ton for your constructive criticism and surely will improve more in my next attempt.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 79.65.246.152 > Jessina | 9-Dec-07/5:35 AM | Reply
Excellent use of "mat" to rhyme with "sat" by the way.
[5] Prince of Void @ 80.71.127.249 | 7-Dec-07/11:34 PM | Reply
a nice poem ..
[7] Ranger @ 81.158.153.183 | 8-Dec-07/4:37 AM | Reply
Pretty.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 79.65.246.152 | 9-Dec-07/5:35 AM | Reply
This is an excellent poeme. Unfortunately it makes me think that you don't really appreciate the true meaning of Christmas. You think it's all about getting presents, but it's not.
[n/a] Jessina @ 203.199.41.148 | 28-Dec-07/4:17 AM | Reply
very very nice
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 79.73.172.29 > Jessina | 15-Jan-08/4:11 PM | Reply
Complimenting your own poemes is an extremely arrogant thing to do.
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