poemranker ::While waiting for someone to check in my cars by INTRANSIT

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Free verse № 154109

While waiting for someone to check in my cars

by INTRANSIT

Member since 2002 · Posted 16 Oct 2007 · 7 comments

A mother passes me son on hip, and six feet behind her in denim jacket and blue beret, her daughter. Carried by a single white balloon high overhead. Teddy bear in arm.

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mean 7.75 weighted 5.74 rank 1830 views 185 View voting details →

8 votes so far. Yours would make 9.8 votes so far

7 comments

[10] x0lovelylarnx0 16-Oct-07/3:07 PM Reply
The poems gives a good vision of the mother and her children.
[10] T. Jonathron Remp 17-Oct-07/12:47 AM Reply
A slice of time. A 17 calorie slice of time, a thin, carbohydrate-free slice of time. A trans-fat free, utterly nutritionally void slice of time. ~10~
[n/a] INTRANSIT › T. Jonathron Remp 19-Oct-07/2:09 PM Reply
Take a Centrum.
[9] Caducus 17-Oct-07/1:34 AM Reply
Sweet. The seperation of adult responsibility and childhood innocence all linked by flesh until the teddy is subtle yet leaves me wanting those good ole 'stand by me' river phoenix days back.

[8] Ranger 21-Oct-07/1:25 PM Reply
I've always seen mother/child poems as being sentimental (and that isn't a bad thing). I think you've moved away from the sentimentality and given this a nice deftness of touch which makes it more than just a picture. My view is that it needs something catchy in the sounds to make it stick in the old grey matter, otherwise there's the risk of a reader not giving it the reading it deserves. You've got the amount of description spot on, so it would be a shame for people not to read it as it needs.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Ranger 23-Oct-07/1:20 PM Reply
That is a very good analysis, Ranger. I'm reading Pinsky's- the sounds of poetry and trying to grasp the concept of tension and release in a poem. Pinsky references apoem by W.C. Williams where a woman "gives herself" to eating a plum. Yes, sounds. Perhaps I'm not getting enough work out of that balloon, either. Appreciate the read. Thanks.
[10] Skamper 22-Oct-07/9:56 PM Reply
beautiful - image is so clear I wish I'd seen it. I would love to see a descriptive word in there for the daughter snug/warm in denim jacket, to follow on the caring of the mother as she carries her son..know what I mean?