| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
While waiting for someone to check in my cars (Free verse) by INTRANSIT A mother passes me
son on hip, and
six feet behind her
in denim jacket
and blue beret,
her daughter.
Carried by a single
white balloon
high overhead.
Teddy bear in arm.
Up the ladder:
Revision
Down the ladder:
Poetic Profit
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.75
Posted: October 16, 2007 2:51 PM PDT; Last modified: October 16, 2007 2:51 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.7395887 Overall Rank: 1830 Comments:
[10]
x0lovelylarnx0 @ 68.57.36.157
|
16-Oct-07/3:07 PM
|
Reply
The poems gives a good vision of the mother and her children.
A slice of time. A 17 calorie slice of time, a thin, carbohydrate-free slice of time. A trans-fat free, utterly nutritionally void slice of time. ~10~
Take a Centrum.
Sweet. The seperation of adult responsibility and childhood innocence all linked by flesh until the teddy is subtle yet leaves me wanting those good ole 'stand by me' river phoenix days back.
I've always seen mother/child poems as being sentimental (and that isn't a bad thing). I think you've moved away from the sentimentality and given this a nice deftness of touch which makes it more than just a picture. My view is that it needs something catchy in the sounds to make it stick in the old grey matter, otherwise there's the risk of a reader not giving it the reading it deserves. You've got the amount of description spot on, so it would be a shame for people not to read it as it needs.
That is a very good analysis, Ranger. I'm reading Pinsky's- the sounds of poetry and trying to grasp the concept of tension and release in a poem. Pinsky references apoem by W.C. Williams where a woman "gives herself" to eating a plum. Yes, sounds. Perhaps I'm not getting enough work out of that balloon, either. Appreciate the read. Thanks.
beautiful - image is so clear I wish I'd seen it. I would love to see a descriptive word in there for the daughter snug/warm in denim jacket, to follow on the caring of the mother as she carries her son..know what I mean?
185 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
