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While waiting for someone to check in my cars (Free verse) by INTRANSIT

A mother passes me son on hip, and six feet behind her in denim jacket and blue beret, her daughter. Carried by a single white balloon high overhead. Teddy bear in arm.

Ranger 21-Oct-07/1:25 PM
I've always seen mother/child poems as being sentimental (and that isn't a bad thing). I think you've moved away from the sentimentality and given this a nice deftness of touch which makes it more than just a picture. My view is that it needs something catchy in the sounds to make it stick in the old grey matter, otherwise there's the risk of a reader not giving it the reading it deserves. You've got the amount of description spot on, so it would be a shame for people not to read it as it needs.




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