too many words

Too the people who gave me 0s, would you explain to me why you gave me 0s except for Rockmage because I honestly do not care what you think since you just go around giving everyone 0s!

Ok, Larry. I can call you that , right? I think i know what the problem is. It was your training. I'm betting that somewhere in grade school your teachers introduced you to poetry with childrens books and such.Innocent as it may seem (and it was), they failed to continue your education in poetry, leaving you singing "jingle bells" in a world that sings O-Tannenbaum. I think there are an incredible amount of us that had that happen. I know I did. And as such, I'm relatively "tone deaf" to poetry. The good news is, it's fixable. We just need to be reprogrammed so to speak. This isn't going to happen overnight, so be patient with yourself, the media (books), and your teachers, however they may come to you. Or at you, as may be the case occasionally. Let's get started.

First, Let's talk about end-rhyme. If you read a poem out loud, ACCORDING TO THE PUNCTUATION, you'll see, or hear rather, that the rhyme almost disappears. Again, your teachers put unnecessary emphasis on the line ends, when they read. Like if every time you read a line and then banged a pot before going on to the next line, eventually you'd think that pot-banging was part of poetry.

Now, Lets lighten up with sounds. Look at the ends of lines 1 and 3 in this piece of yours. Serene sunset/ human existence, kind of echo each other a bit. THAT is how I want you to reprogram yourself. No stress. Don't force the rhyme, just listen for it. No need to put it at the end of your lines either. Keep them close to each other, but let them wander a bit.

Try free rhyming. This is fun. Watch

El Bandolero
Tell benny, you lose
Kill bunny shoes
Fell the low sand

The sounds of the words don't have to be in the same order either. As long as there's some replay of sound, you're rhyming. It just takes practice.

Forms are another animal altogether. We'll talk later about those. Hope that helps.

P.S. One more thing. If you're serious about learning this art, you're going to have to like pain, and, revise revise revise.

Later dude.

Intransit's given the comment that you need to be going on with for now. This doesn't deserve a 0 - it's got the basics of metaphor and vivid imagery in here, and that counts for something. What you need to do now is learn to control those things, make them subtle when appropriate, direct when appropriate. A lot of people will tell you that you have to write "from your own experience", but to be honest that's a load of tosh. While you're learning the trade it's just as easy (possibly more so, in fact) to write about something that you haven't had first-hand experience of. You clearly know a few poetic devices (lots of alliteration in here), now you need to work out when to use them. Listen to the sounds and cadence of the words and, more than anything, devour some of the classic poems so you have some good examples of poetry to work with.

-8- because I'm nice like that.

I'm not sure I understand this one...is it a dream? I am confused a little with the ending, is the protection offered only temporary?