poemranker ::Stripping the willow by ecargo

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Free verse № 149079

Stripping the willow

by ecargo

Member since 2002 · Posted 17 Jan 2007 · 16 comments

Powder and flare or the inky harness of the plough, we seek the unturned memory of dirt, of thunder, a sough of doubt. Wandering’s a skin. We wear motion, our descent completes the turn. Within the wood, a sickle burns in a hunter’s hand. Sighted along the long draw of alder, oak--so flies the blood burn of old sacrifice.

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 9.40 weighted 5.52 rank 2629 views 205 View voting details →

5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

16 comments

[9] Dovina 17-Jan-07/7:55 PM Reply
“Pound your swords into plowshares,” your spears into sickles, which do burn more naturally in the hands.
Strange, using the British spelling of plow.
Suggest “murmuring” replace the obscure “sough.”
Suggest conventional sentence structure in the last one, as done in the others.
[8] Ranger › Dovina 18-Jan-07/9:02 AM Reply
Nothing whatsoever wrong with British spelling, it shows excellent taste ;-)
[n/a] Stephen Robins › Ranger 19-Jan-07/7:42 AM Reply
Ranger please stop being so cheerfully likeable, it's like watching the Vicar of Dibley.
[8] Ranger › Stephen Robins 21-Jan-07/3:21 AM Reply
Oh, alright. This pome* is bow'ls.

I missed the second part of the Christmas VoD. Was it good?



* not even a poeme. How's that for being slapped with harsh criticism?
[n/a] Stephen Robins › Ranger 22-Jan-07/3:05 AM Reply
I knew you would like Vicar of Dibley. Unfortunately I can't stand Dawn French, she is like VioletSuede whose one joke is being fat. In fact I can't stand any comedy which didn't have its genesis on Radio 4.
[8] Ranger › Stephen Robins 22-Jan-07/3:15 AM Reply
To be fair, I only watched it because I was massively ill and couldn't do anything else. TV time is usually only for Match of the Day and Never Mind the Buzzcocks, which has gone downhill rapidly since arsehole Amstall took over. Bring back Lamarr.

You know, I don't think I ever talked to VioletSuede. Was she really like that?
[n/a] Stephen Robins › Ranger 22-Jan-07/3:27 AM Reply
She was an absolute behemoth. Terrifying.

Never Mind the Buzzcocks looks terribly tired, the attempt to rejuvenate it will always fail while they have VioletSuede's twin as one of the captains. I absolutely loathe Phil Jupitus.
[8] Ranger › Stephen Robins 22-Jan-07/3:32 AM Reply
It's all about Bill Bailey, really.
[n/a] ecargo › Dovina 18-Jan-07/9:46 AM Reply
That's funny--it didn't even occur to me that I used the Brit spelling for plough. I almost certainly did it because of the eye "rhyme" with sough. I agree that the word sough is obscure, but I like poetry because it does, on occasion, unearth odd words, and I think a love for words and wordplay is essential for writing poetry. So while I do usually strive for simplicity in word choices, I like the way "sough" looks here--but your point is apt and appreciated.

This definitely has elements of "swords into ploughshares" but it's also about motion and time/lost ritual. Sickle harkens back to plough but it's also a reference to the moon. I think I was going for something along the lines of DH Lawrence's "Under the Oak" (this pales, obviously, in comparison to that!), but this really isn't about anything concrete, which is probably where it fails the most. It lacks a fulcrum or concrete focus.

I'm not sure what you mean in your final comment about "conventional sentence structure in the last one"--despite the enjambed line, it is a complete sentence, as is the one that follows. Anyway, enough of me on me. Thanks for the comment and vote.
[9] Dovina › ecargo 19-Jan-07/9:04 AM Reply
“Sighted along the long draw of alder, oak--so flies the blood burn of old sacrifice.” The long dash confused me.
[n/a] Edna Sweetlove › Dovina 19-Jan-07/8:58 AM Reply
"Plough" is the correct spelling; other spellings are ludicrously stupid. When you call "sough" obscure, you misuse the word obscure. Replacing it with "murmuring" would be great for the rythm (oh sorry I meant rithum). Not.
[10] deleted user 18-Jan-07/5:15 AM Reply
My talent in writing poetry is nowhere near comparable to yours, therefore I can offer no constructive critisism on this poem. All I can offer is my vote for an excellent piece of work.
[8] Ranger 18-Jan-07/9:00 AM Reply
POEME STATS:

Stanzas: 3
Lines: 12
Uses of 'the': 7
Uses of 'a': 4

Not that I'm criticising there, but you might want to borrow one of the mage's chisels?

'along the long' = yikes
'a sough of doubt' = sex on a light blue screen

Stanza two is super, so is the final line. Stanza one feels weaker than the rest, not that I know what to suggest. Maybe it's the brevity of line one. Everyone who says this is a lovely poem is right though.
[n/a] ecargo › Ranger 18-Jan-07/9:49 AM Reply
Just what I need--thanks! Wow--11 articles in a 12-line poem is a bit much. Funny what we overlook. Like "along the long"--yikes indeed. Sex on a blue screen? Um, well, maybe. ;-D

Thanks Ranger.
[8] Ranger › ecargo 18-Jan-07/2:21 PM Reply
I might have gotten carried away by the title a little. But still, it's a wonderful line.
[8] Ranger 4-Dec-15/3:31 PM Reply
ecargo! I wanted to get in touch a while back but had no way. Are you still writing?