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Stripping the willow (Free verse) by ecargo Powder and flare
or the inky harness of the plough,
we seek the unturned memory of dirt,
of thunder, a sough of doubt.
Wanderingâs a skin.
We wear motion, our descent
completes the turn.
Within the wood, a sickle
burns in a hunterâs hand.
Sighted along the long draw
of alder, oak--so flies
the blood burn of old sacrifice.
Up the ladder:
TRIBUTE TO A FRIEND
Down the ladder:
Body Worlds
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 9.4
Posted: January 17, 2007 12:36 PM PST; Last modified: January 17, 2007 12:36 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.5244927 Overall Rank: 2628 Comments:
My talent in writing poetry is nowhere near comparable to yours, therefore I can offer no constructive critisism on this poem. All I can offer is my vote for an excellent piece of work.
POEME STATS:
Stanzas: 3 Lines: 12 Uses of 'the': 7 Uses of 'a': 4 Not that I'm criticising there, but you might want to borrow one of the mage's chisels? 'along the long' = yikes 'a sough of doubt' = sex on a light blue screen Stanza two is super, so is the final line. Stanza one feels weaker than the rest, not that I know what to suggest. Maybe it's the brevity of line one. Everyone who says this is a lovely poem is right though.
Just what I need--thanks! Wow--11 articles in a 12-line poem is a bit much. Funny what we overlook. Like "along the long"--yikes indeed. Sex on a blue screen? Um, well, maybe. ;-D
Thanks Ranger.
I might have gotten carried away by the title a little. But still, it's a wonderful line.
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Strange, using the British spelling of plow.
Suggest âmurmuringâ replace the obscure âsough.â
Suggest conventional sentence structure in the last one, as done in the others.
I missed the second part of the Christmas VoD. Was it good?
* not even a poeme. How's that for being slapped with harsh criticism?
You know, I don't think I ever talked to VioletSuede. Was she really like that?
Never Mind the Buzzcocks looks terribly tired, the attempt to rejuvenate it will always fail while they have VioletSuede's twin as one of the captains. I absolutely loathe Phil Jupitus.
This definitely has elements of "swords into ploughshares" but it's also about motion and time/lost ritual. Sickle harkens back to plough but it's also a reference to the moon. I think I was going for something along the lines of DH Lawrence's "Under the Oak" (this pales, obviously, in comparison to that!), but this really isn't about anything concrete, which is probably where it fails the most. It lacks a fulcrum or concrete focus.
I'm not sure what you mean in your final comment about "conventional sentence structure in the last one"--despite the enjambed line, it is a complete sentence, as is the one that follows. Anyway, enough of me on me. Thanks for the comment and vote.