Re: LIFELINE by outofdarkness138	19-Mar-06/4:30 AM
This one's better than your other lyric, but I definitely agree with D. - leave out 'thee'. This isn't a Cohen masterpiece, so it doesn't fit the mood of the piece. 'A river inside breaks free' is a damn good line.
Re: REM Sleep by mystic enoch	19-Mar-06/9:58 AM
Interesting concept, and not as maudlin as many 'dream' poems.
Re: Never Love A Poet by Caducus	19-Mar-06/2:31 PM
This just popped up on the random cycle, at last a decent poem to arrive through it! Ordinarily I'd read but not comment, but this has so many grand lines in...'I must feel seen' is quite astonishing even in its relative simplicity. And I can't really say how awesome I think stanza 3 is. I just can't. Superb.
Re: Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina	19-Mar-06/4:20 PM
D. - this is a kickass poem, serious yet amusing and the rhyme/rhythm scheme is almost flawless. 'The best of possible care' didn't quite fit right with my reading of this, but other than that, no faults. Is this related to the events in the news recently? I never did get round to checking that out like I meant to. Great poem anyway.
Re: The American Soldier by x0lovelylarnx0	19-Mar-06/5:43 PM
Personally I haven't ever tried sonnet writing, that's something I'll save for a rainy day, so to speak. But the comments you've received on this haven't been of any use, so let's see what can be said. I believe that sonnets (particularly Shakespearean sonnets) are supposed to be written in iambic pentameter. For a quick definition, look here: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=iambic+pentameter (hopefully the link will work) Some of the lines are nice, but you could be more creative with the rhymes. Rhyming is tough, far more than it seems - and the trick is to find really original and unexpected. Don't worry too much about getting exact rhymes, although 'life/fight' and 'boat/hope' are stretching it a little. Google search for an online rhyming dictionary - there are often a lot of rhymes for simple monosyllabic words which you'll see and think 'I knew that...why didn't I think of it first?' I certainly know I do. Errm, that'll have to do for now - it's pretty late here (or early, depending on when you usually wake up). Good luck with any revisions of this!
Re: Soccer by x0lovelylarnx0	19-Mar-06/5:46 PM
Yeah, I was playing earlier...getting fired up when the ref doesn't give a blatent foul...too true, too true. I get the impression that the old football - soccer - is taking off on the other side of the water, great to hear, but please don't start dominating this sport like you have everything else!
Re: Old ways by ecargo	19-Mar-06/6:08 PM
Very...well, Tolkien. Yet again you've given a brief poem crammed to the rafters with great lines and stark images; I might have to refer to this as 'Comment #1', as I get the feeling that I'm likely to post this, or words to these effects on everything you write! 'Reap and reel' was my favourite excerpt from this, made me think of fields on one side and the sea on the other...but also of stone and wild grass pathways. 'Black hags...' was another class line. All in all, a top read before bed!
Re: Muff by Stephen Robins	20-Mar-06/8:19 AM
'I swear I saw an ewok grinning between your legs' is one of the funniest things I have ever read on this site! *snigger*
Re: The Coventry Blitz by Caducus	21-Mar-06/6:48 AM
I thought I'd commented on this the other day...I must be losing it. The first stanza rocks; I see the factories/industrial side overtaking the more traditional aspect of the city, and also the smoke rising in spires - umbilical cords of smoke (and fire - rising sun). 'Decrepit' is perfect for the ruins, again it makes me think of (three) columns of smoke. Not sure about stanza 3 - the passage about Godiva (your local legend) is really good, but it doesn't quite fit the gloom of war, at least not in my reading. It's a brilliant passage though. Stanza 4 is great. Other than 'Their' (should be 'There'), no complaints.
Re: One Too Many by ElmoBeavisButthead	21-Mar-06/7:01 AM
Not bad, the recurring 'one too many' is good and the language as a whole is quite inventive. What I think you could improve on is the way you deal with the subject matter (which is probably the most widely-written about subject in poetry, particularly here). You write very directly - and I personally think this would make more of an impression and stand out more from the rest if you could build this into a metaphor. Perhaps take 'forged' as the starting point and build a poem with blacksmithing imagery, perhaps talking from the point of view of the blacksmith forging an item, or maybe from the viewpoint of the item itself, or from anything else that might be there. My advice would be to read an assortment of love/breakup poems on here, note the recurring themes/phrases, and avoid them like the plague. Then have a read of some of the top-ranked poems and look at the language used, the metaphors used etc. My personal favourite on this site is Christof's 'Instructions to a Sculptor' - a pretty much perfect example of metaphorical, rhymed, structured poetry. Caducus' works are also excellent for picking up fresh, innovative ideas. And believe it or not, the best poet on this site to learn rhythm and wordflow from is -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. (plus he never fails to be hilarious). Just don't get offended at anything he says. Having said that, this shows plenty of promise - the last line is good, and you certainly have potential as a writer - keep reading the stuff on here and learn from it!
Re: The Right Call by Dovina	22-Mar-06/2:51 AM
Made me think of the 'Genie' case - am I on the right lines?
Re: Life Is Like A Rose by x0lovelylarnx0	22-Mar-06/2:57 AM
Yes, Dovina and wilco are spot on, I think. This is excellent material as a draft or as ideas on a page but they'll take work to bring together. Every poet has written about a rose at sometime or another - but it's as good a place as any to start. The first line is really nice, so build on it!
Re: Squalid by Caducus	23-Mar-06/6:32 AM
This is one thousand percent right. And well put, at that.
Re: Sea Words by ecargo	23-Mar-06/6:33 AM
Yep, this did it for me.
Re: Outside the Perfection, Into the Yellow by Sunny	23-Mar-06/6:38 AM
Yes, agreed with gw about the last line, and there are some stunningly vivid images here - 'naked blue background', 'magnolia trees' etc. work beautifully. 'Resolution of minced cocaine' is also quality. Good stuff, time to read your other post!
Re: Butterfly Belly, Orchid Face by Sunny	23-Mar-06/6:39 AM
Gorgeous, again. You've hit a winner with the last stanza, it's one of the best I've ever seen! Personally I'd remove the brackets, and change 'lovely' (it seems a bit too...basic, perhaps, in comparison with the rest of the poem) and one of the 'suns'. Changing the first one would work well in my opinion, it makes me think of you looking at a mango as the sun rises behind it. I love the 'hazy-eye sky/London's smog' passage - I hate London for the most part but you've got this absolutely dead on. 'Exaggerated reality' - is that talking about the glorious image people tend to have of London when in reality a lot of it is, well, grubby? Top stuff, keep them coming!
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Mar-06/6:48 AM
Man...you have an incredible talent - I don't know of another poet who's managed to write as consistently well as you. This is fantastic, the man who has lost - we see everywhere. The only alteration I'd make is to change 'grieved', as you've already used 'grief'. Perhaps 'He nestled in his sorrow almost haughtily' (pretentious I know, but that sort of thing). You manage to make me visualise him clearly without giving a great deal of concrete description - that is something difficult to achieve!
Re: Buddy by ALChemy	23-Mar-06/1:15 PM
Not even when the wind blows? I liked this.
regarding some deleted poem...	24-Mar-06/1:11 PM
Masterful, yet again. Like ALChemy I had to find out 'Tetons', that's my learning for the day done...'belly bombs' is fantastic, although at a first glance it actually made me think of navel piercings, a fitting image, given the context. The carpet analogy is excellent too. You keep churning these great poems out...I'm beginning to wonder how you manage to have time to do any trucking!
Re: Dying for Your Sins by drnick	24-Mar-06/1:17 PM
Good stuff, I think I agree with Dovina about "he's" and "insecurities", maybe replace it with "passions"? Love the wordplay in "rusted tears" (tears cried, tears in the skin). One suggestion; after regrets, how about 'every one finds a way out...' - a little more working around the double meaning in here. Good to see you about, I hope the semester ends well for you!