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The American Soldier (Sonnet) by x0lovelylarnx0 A soldier goes off to war
He hopes he's coming back
He sits and waits for more
On his way out he carries a sack
Hopes he never has to see a friend die
He preys to God he won't have to fire
He can't sleep or lie
He listens to every command from his sire
Thank god for all our troops
They are giving up months of their life
When they could be shooting hoops
Instead they signed up for a fight
He gets off his boat
When he saw his family he found hope
Up the ladder:
HATTIE
Down the ladder:
The Serpent People
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.928571
Posted: July 21, 2004 9:14 AM PDT; Last modified: July 21, 2004 9:14 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.67884 Overall Rank: 2002 Comments:
[10]
Stephen Robins @ 213.146.148.199
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23-Jul-04/1:34 AM
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Reply
Mmmmm, two anonymous 10's from your IP address, well here is a very real 10 from me! with great work like this you don't need to cheat on the scoring ;¬) this is really mature :>/ and although some of the lines resemble the signatures on the toilet bowl of an indian restaurant:ï¡* this really does offer a very real insight into the workings of the modern world. Bravo. :¬}
[n/a]
x0lovelylarnx0 @ 152.163.253.39
> Stephen Robins
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23-Jul-04/11:55 AM
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Reply
Thanks!
[10]
Stephen Robins @ 81.110.81.27
> x0lovelylarnx0
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24-Jul-04/4:49 PM
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Reply
how wide is your snatch?
[n/a]
x0lovelylarnx0 @ 205.188.117.6
> Stephen Robins
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25-Jul-04/3:22 PM
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Reply
What?
[10]
Stephen Robins @ 213.146.148.199
> x0lovelylarnx0
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26-Jul-04/12:42 AM
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Reply
Your snatch, how wide is it?
[10]
Stephen Robins @ 213.146.148.199
> Stephen Robins
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26-Jul-04/6:15 AM
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Reply
Idiot! she clearly hasn't read any of my poems!
[n/a]
x0lovelylarnx0 @ 149.174.164.77
> Stephen Robins
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26-Jul-04/4:20 PM
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Reply
No I haven't been a member of this website long.
Rhymes are off, iambic pentameter is not there, and the sire.fire rhyme is forced, as are they all.
This is actually a pretty good specimen of the crap that happens when young'uns like you think they can be profound. -blessed with a 2- Really, I'm being hard on you because I am expressing an honest opinion, not because I'm retaliating.
I don't think this is crap and that all kids think they can be profound. Plus how do you know if I'm a kid or not. Plus you messed up one of you crappy poems so bad that when i read it I laughed so hard I cried. Loser.
If there was any shred of a doubt that you're a minor, it's gone now. Who else but a teenager with a limited vocabulary (or a senior suffering from a degenerative mental disorder, which, I suppose is a slim possibility here) would call me a Loser when there are so many more creative things an immature person could say like, for example, little bleeding twat, ugly pustule, and nut licker- all of which I would validly apply to you if I were not so sure somebody else in your sad life already had.
There. Now retorts should follow something like that.
I'm betting 3rd maybe 6th grade... can't be anything higher.. or could it? If so, marm.. we are doomed, fucking doomed, and we are witnessing the Dismal Embrowning of everything we have ever treasured or held dear... if only I could face the four horse men and spare myself this.. if only I could apply for a license to commit genocide on a large scale in the name of keeping the world from falling to the Dimming.
For your information i'm way passed 3rd and 6th grade.
Then as I said, we are Doomed, Fucking Doomed.
you mean you are way "past" not "passed"
Though I'm sure in the past you have been passed by many guys who say "damn Joe, look at that disgusting marm over there"
At least I got the scheme and the syllables right. You're so stupid that you probably didn't think to even check to see how many syllables and what the scheme was in your damn poem.
Um hello?
Irony alert! You've got fight/life as a rhyme, hope/boat as a rhyme, and to top it all off you've got not ONE LINE in this sonnet that is in iambic pentameter! NOT ONE! You should count syllables too hun, and you might also want to count stresses and word accents.
and you misspelled pray
Your nothing but a damn yankee.
Actually I'm a Russian with biracial parents, raised in a French-Russian speaking household and didn't learn english till around age 6 or 7 at which point I was living outside the US. I believe that makes me NOT A YANKEE by any stretch of the word.
The fact that I have a better grasp of the English language than you do when it is my third and your first language demonstrates the extent to which your subaverage, superarrogant, and hopelessly unpoetic intellect is not worth the brain-farts it generates. Have a nice day. Yahoo! Ride 'em cowboy!
What are you talking about? This poem is quality. Lines of such import as, "On his way out he carries a sack" are a rarity, both on this site and on the professional circuit. And in this context, the line provides an almost sublime climax to the first verse. If I need say more, consider the following considerations:
The pun on "pray" in the second verse is deliciously satirical, whilst the subsequent line leaves the reader free to dwell upon what horrific battle injuries might prevent one from lying down; having one's back blown off by a landmine for example, or cramp. We are then treated to another transendent verse ending with, "He listens to every command from his sire." With this antediluvian imagery, I believe the author is making a point about the timeless nature of war. I must confess, by the third verse I was moved to tears. The though of all those poor soldiers having to refrain from "shooting hoops" (a coloquial reference to the popular sport of netball) for several months was simply heart-rending. However, the last line just leaves room for an ember of hope. Wonderful. A well deserved 10 here I think.
Your sarcasm couldn't be any funnier and brilliant. A parody that deservs a cursed ten. DAMN YOU!!!
Simplicity create its own beauty ..I am not sheakespeare but honestly
that is a nice sonnet ...u are talented with bright future ..
Nice to see such intelligent constructive interaction, considering I haven't seen one correctly written sonnet yet I sense a certain imagery of pots and kettles here.
Not that the poem is any good, but the criticism is for the most part worse.
Personally I haven't ever tried sonnet writing, that's something I'll save for a rainy day, so to speak. But the comments you've received on this haven't been of any use, so let's see what can be said. I believe that sonnets (particularly Shakespearean sonnets) are supposed to be written in iambic pentameter. For a quick definition, look here:
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q (hopefully the link will work) Some of the lines are nice, but you could be more creative with the rhymes. Rhyming is tough, far more than it seems - and the trick is to find really original and unexpected. Don't worry too much about getting exact rhymes, although 'life/fight' and 'boat/hope' are stretching it a little. Google search for an online rhyming dictionary - there are often a lot of rhymes for simple monosyllabic words which you'll see and think 'I knew that...why didn't I think of it first?' I certainly know I do. Errm, that'll have to do for now - it's pretty late here (or early, depending on when you usually wake up). Good luck with any revisions of this!
LOL it's like 8:30 P.M. here lol!! Thanks I wrote that poem a while back I haven't done anything with it yet!
Quarter to two in the morning where I am...and uni tomorrow...I really ought to get some sleep.
do you know, or do you want to know, what they are doing?
I do know what they are doing! They are serving our country, and risking their lives! Once again this is a very old poem of mine, and who said that I was talking about the war going on now!
oh, you must mean vietnam... youre in cyberspace here, not amerika ... and a lot of people here have too painfully different a view ... this is military triumphalism masquerading as soulfulness ... shame on you and your nation
No I'm not talking about vietnam! I wasn't even alive when vietnam occured! I'm not talking about any particular war! Do you even realize how hard it is for our troops when every one in America is complaining about the war! It's an honor to fight for ones country, and I am proud of them!
And it's America not amerika get it straight!
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