| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Dying for Your Sins (Free verse) by drnick See this godless man,
his head hung low as if he's self-crucified.
All his sins, insecurities,
regets
-they find a way through his flesh.
Let it all out in those
rusted tears.
They'll laugh,
they'll cry,
for two thousand-some years.
Up the ladder:
Decline and Fall
Down the ladder:
Peptalk in the Dugout
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8333335
Posted: March 24, 2006 1:15 AM PST; Last modified: March 24, 2006 1:15 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.2241178 Overall Rank: 4296 Comments:
[9]
Dovina @ 70.38.78.229
|
24-Mar-06/11:52 AM
|
Reply
I think "he's" can be dropped. "insecurities" seems inconsistant with sins and regrets. I like "all his sins" written with no apology or explanation, as if all sins are his. The last line is very revealing.
Good stuff, I think I agree with Dovina about "he's" and "insecurities", maybe replace it with "passions"? Love the wordplay in "rusted tears" (tears cried, tears in the skin).
One suggestion; after regrets, how about 'every one finds a way out...' - a little more working around the double meaning in here. Good to see you about, I hope the semester ends well for you! 202 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
