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Dying for Your Sins (Free verse) by drnick See this godless man,
his head hung low as if he's self-crucified.
All his sins, insecurities,
regets
-they find a way through his flesh.
Let it all out in those
rusted tears.
They'll laugh,
they'll cry,
for two thousand-some years.
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Arithmetic Mean: 5.8333335
Posted: March 24, 2006 1:15 AM PST; Last modified: March 24, 2006 1:15 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.2241178 Overall Rank: 4303 Comments:
[9]
Dovina @ 70.38.78.229
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24-Mar-06/11:52 AM
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Reply
I think "he's" can be dropped. "insecurities" seems inconsistant with sins and regrets. I like "all his sins" written with no apology or explanation, as if all sins are his. The last line is very revealing.
Good stuff, I think I agree with Dovina about "he's" and "insecurities", maybe replace it with "passions"? Love the wordplay in "rusted tears" (tears cried, tears in the skin).
One suggestion; after regrets, how about 'every one finds a way out...' - a little more working around the double meaning in here. Good to see you about, I hope the semester ends well for you! 202 view(s)
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