Replying to a comment on:
Dying for Your Sins
(
Free verse
) by
drnick
See this godless man, his head hung low as if he's self-crucified. All his sins, insecurities, regets -they find a way through his flesh. Let it all out in those rusted tears. They'll laugh, they'll cry, for two thousand-some years.
Ranger
24-Mar-06/1:17 PM
Good stuff, I think I agree with Dovina about "he's" and "insecurities", maybe replace it with "passions"? Love the wordplay in "rusted tears" (tears cried, tears in the skin).
One suggestion; after regrets, how about 'every one finds a way out...' - a little more working around the double meaning in here.
Good to see you about, I hope the semester ends well for you!
Track and Plan your submissions
;
Read some Comics
;
Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001