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Butterfly Belly, Orchid Face (Free verse) by Sunny Butterflies, clamped hands,
a sight (a euphoric vision to the beholder),
with physical want and mental cravings
like a pregnant womanâs.
That is love in all its glory,
resounding off color:
a ricochet of lovely words off
skeletal trees. The mango sun will shed
its coat to radiate a brighter yellow sun,
and the hazy-eye sky imitates the elegance
of Londonâs smog head cold;
you that see exaggerated reality,
must be kissed by love,
must have a fluttered belly,
it will grow you a dazzling orchid.
Up the ladder:
The Ghost of Sarah Gyllenhall
Down the ladder:
evolution 9
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.714286
Posted: March 22, 2006 9:54 AM PST; Last modified: March 22, 2006 9:54 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.729984 Overall Rank: 1850 Comments:
I think you should drop the entire first tri-whateveryoucallit.
Like a pregnant women's. That is love... Drop sun at the end of stanza 3, or drop yellow. In the 4th stanza, why is there a ; after cold? The next line reads like the beginning of a new thought. I can't see how it ties in with London's smog head cold. It ends beautifully.
Gorgeous, again. You've hit a winner with the last stanza, it's one of the best I've ever seen! Personally I'd remove the brackets, and change 'lovely' (it seems a bit too...basic, perhaps, in comparison with the rest of the poem) and one of the 'suns'. Changing the first one would work well in my opinion, it makes me think of you looking at a mango as the sun rises behind it.
I love the 'hazy-eye sky/London's smog' passage - I hate London for the most part but you've got this absolutely dead on. 'Exaggerated reality' - is that talking about the glorious image people tend to have of London when in reality a lot of it is, well, grubby? Top stuff, keep them coming!
I agree that the ( ) break the flow of this, but otherwise, it's a gem! Many visuals and consistent flood of colors.
Hello Sunny. You have real telent and strong sense of imagey and lyrical writing. Keep at it!
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The first verse could lose the () for a preposition with better flow, I think.
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