Re: Sea Words by ecargo	24-Mar-06/1:42 PM
Love the play of words in the title too. Although it's taken me over a day to recognise it. *taps skull*
Re: Rose by firestar_2580	24-Mar-06/2:30 PM
Hmm. Nice in places, although there are a few grammatical points. Apostrophes are only for possessive forms, letter omission and numeric plurals. so rose's should be simply roses, and look's should be looks. Aside from that, this has some pleasant word choices and some decent passages. 'She seemed in constant motion...' is sweet. I'd change 'lovely', it's a little...well, simple in comparison with the tone of the poem. Also, 'nude' would (to me) sound better as 'unclothed', or something like that. It's probably only due to so long exposed to Dark Angel, but the word grates somehow. The only thing that I don't like is the transition from first person at the start to third person; I assume you're referring to your soul as 'her', but it's not clear. Oh, and I'd better say before anyone else does - 'Rose' is an enormously overused title...if you can find something a bit more original then the poem would benefit. Keep working at this one, it has promise. 7 for now, I feel there are edits left to be done though.
Re: Follow by firestar_2580	24-Mar-06/2:51 PM
Love the description, don't love the ending though. It would be a whole lot better if you ended at 'beacon, lighting' (I think, anyway). I'm also not convinced by the 'witchy' aspect (dancing unclothed beneath the moon), but that's probably just my personal prejudice. Try expanding it just a little - it leaves me somewhat unsated as it is. I'd recommend having a look at drnick's 'Lonely Road', it's something similar to this. As with the poem you just posted, I think this has good potential but needs work. Have a look round at other poems here, leave comments with people and you should hopefully get other people giving you advice and ideas back.
Re: Cat Feet by Niphredil	30-Mar-06/12:15 PM
I completely missed the deafness in here, i was thinking of people being deliberately quiet so as not to disturb someone who they think is asleep (maybe terminal in a hospital). It's a good poem without the explanation, but it's a super poem with it.
Re: Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy) by ecargo	30-Mar-06/12:32 PM
This is top stuff, although I had to read it twice. I could tell it was a upbeat poem, but it could very easily have the complete opposite meaning (relating in particular to a friend of mine, otherwise I probably wouldn't have seen a darker side to it) and I thought it a shame to give such a negative reading to a great piece like this =D
Re: Old Friend by drnick	30-Mar-06/12:41 PM
Cool stuff, I thought the first line of stanza 2 was a bit unoriginal and didn't quite fit with the rest of that stanza. I like the rhyme scheme and the quick rhythm of it. 'My mind cannot fathom even in post-graduate fashion' is a smart line. I actually think the last stanza might just about hold up...but ecargo is right that it doesn't sound right when read.
Re: Kristi's Quiescence by matt door	30-Mar-06/12:45 PM
'Her saddest smile...' got me going, I feel there's more waiting to be said from there. However, I also think it would spoil the swift beauty of this one. I really like the brevity of it, although I'm not convinced by the first two lines. Still a very pleasant read.
Re: A Melody by MacFrantic	30-Mar-06/12:50 PM
Smoothly done, violent like a game. The imagery is very strong (as with most of your stuff, come to think of it!)
Re: Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta	30-Mar-06/12:53 PM
Beautiful, one too many 'loves' though, maybe replace the second one with something else. Other than that, I'm not going to complain about something as sweet as this.
Re: Quiet Hands by Sunny	30-Mar-06/1:00 PM
Niphredil got it spot on by suggesting you don't repeat words (not so soon, anyway). I also found it interesting that the first stanza could be put directly in front of the last, and with the addition of a little punctuation it would work nicely. I'd love to see if you could apply this to the whole poem; work it so that any stanza could lead straight into any other. I found the line breaks a little disruptive, but that could easily just be my way of reading it.
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Mar-06/1:07 PM
MacFrantic's right - you're a superb poet. If only you'd give your thoughts about the rest of our poetry!
Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	30-Mar-06/1:40 PM
Yes, a very smooth edit. It works much better as a piece of prose. I feel that maybe in a couple of places you'd do well to add in an occasional shorter sentence to link the longer passages together a little more clearly; but see how other people read this first. Also, you could seperate the last bit from the rest: '...the regulars left their tips And he ordered himself his first drink.'
Re: Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha	30-Mar-06/1:55 PM
Stanza 3 is hilarous, and the 2nd line of that stanza is pure genuis!
regarding some deleted poem...	31-Mar-06/3:57 AM
Fuck me this is good. I thought you said you were suffering from writer's block?! Love the wrecking ball, love stanzas 2 and 3. A lot of what I've learnt poetically is due to the feedback you've given me, so I don't feel in a position to critique (not that this poem needs it), but I would change 'faith' in stanza 1 to something with less religious connotations, and although you keep the architectural theme going, another reference to the blueprint would complete it, in my opinion. Favourited, and would be even if this was only stanza 2.
Re: A Country Anecdote by Dovina	3-Apr-06/1:55 AM
The only thing I'm not sure about here is that you start in the present tense, then go to reminiscing about the past...and I got the impression that he left you/you left him, in which case he can't wake with you as stanza 1 suggests. I may well have missed something (poems longer than about 3 words always require me to read them twice), if so disregard what I said. If it is the case that the two of you split, change stanza 1 to the past tense. Also - 'lumpy arm' didn't go down well, not at all graceful. I guess maybe he wasn't graceful, but if you were in love I'm sure you could have found something more flattering. Other than that, great! It feels rather like a neo-folk song.
Re: Monsters by raven_the_poet	3-Apr-06/2:04 AM
Line 19 ('arteries') seems to be without a rhyming partner line, have I missed it? Nice style of writing, as has been said it's not the most gripping subject matter (it felt like you were playing a computer game in some places) but then again, master art takes mundane and mediocre themes and turns them into fantastic works. Keep writing, you've got great potential!
Re: Fiery Hands by Sunny	3-Apr-06/2:08 AM
There are some top lines here (you seem to be pretty consistent at coming up with good stuff!) but some bits don't keep up the standard. And I really don't like the disjointed stanza endings - personally I'd turn them into properly punctuated stanzas (as Dovina suggested). Excellent imagery though. It's great to see poetry like yours here.
Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	3-Apr-06/2:10 AM
Good description, nicely vivid. Is there another meaning that I'm not seeing? The last line is great to read aloud.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Apr-06/2:12 AM
I'm not sure about the initial rhymes. And 'four lips on lips...'? I think I've misunderstood that bit. Super ending though.
Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	3-Apr-06/2:16 AM
Reads like a diary entry up to the last stanza. The first two lines are a great intro, but the main body feels like it could do with a little...well, poetic exaggeration. You don't have to go over the top with it, but in my opinion it could do with a little more embellishment with the factual aspect.