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Monsters (Free verse) by raven_the_poet
(A collaboration between edgar_allen_poe_rox and I) On Halloween night, all hell broke loose, People dead, hanged from a noose On Halloween night all the demons broke free, They want to kill us, you and me. We must not die, we must survive Otherwise those beasts will thrive. They’re in our homes and in our heads, Plaguing us with fear and dread. The creature’s skin is green, red eyes And on its head are horns the size Of men! It’s terrible, scaring us, This creature, the size of Greyhound bus. When it’s angry, its eyes flash yellow, Its breath kills grass, fields, and meadows. “It attacked me with a furious rage,” Jane read aloud as she turned the page. “Swiping at me with its razor claws. They looked sharp enough to kill Jaws. They ripped through my skin and arteries, Tendons and veins and all sorts of things. I ran away, spite my severed limb, The blood gushed out and attracted them. As I ran the blood pumped harder, The stream of blood, now shooting farther, I aimed it at the beast’s red eyes, It worked, and then I claimed my prize. The prize is life. I get to live, A better prize, one couldn’t give. The more we killed, though, the more that came. Killing one seemed like a shame. They rushed head-on into our house, The place that we called our hide-out. As we tried to climb the bare, white walls, The monsters followed us into the halls. They raised their heads and let out a cry. We fell to the ground, unable to get by. Deprivation of suitable blood Mixed inside with dirt and mud. The wound got deeper, the pain more shocking And at our door, there came a knocking. The monsters stopped their angry roar For enough time for us to open the door. Unfortunately, more of them came in. We weren’t sure of what to do then. We backed into a corner, tired The chimney holding a cozy fire. The monsters snarled and licked their lips And then we had to come to grips. Our lives would soon be far past done Unless we took the chance to run. And with one swipe and flick of the wrist, Goodbye our lives were dreadfully kissed.

Up the ladder: Starting Mode
Down the ladder: wall flower

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.3333333
Weighted score: 4.8013287
Overall Rank: 11131
Posted: April 1, 2006 2:10 PM PST; Last modified: April 1, 2006 2:10 PM PST
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Comments:
[3] Sunny @ 66.69.36.222 | 1-Apr-06/2:36 PM | Reply
For the most part, & I am not out to hurt feelings, but in order to improve, we must take the blatent truth sometimes, adults don't want to read a novel-lenght poem about monsters. Some of your comparisons were almost funny, they had such an elementary element to them...I could go on but overall, I didn't finish your poem because I became pretty bored. Try studying some talented free verse poetry, maybe changing your style might work. You have the narrative imagination but it needs to be pulled up quite a few notches to be a "good read."

~Sunny
[n/a] raven_the_poet @ 216.45.130.159 > Sunny | 1-Apr-06/2:57 PM | Reply
Thanks for the criticism.
I would, however, like to point out that I am only thirteen, and the entire poem was not done by me ;)
[n/a] Niphredil @ 132.69.238.221 > raven_the_poet | 2-Apr-06/11:30 AM | Reply
You have a fine narrative style and a healthy sense of rhythm and meter to go with it. I have to agree, though, that a monster poem isn't the most fascinating read, unless there's some twist at then. I actually found bits of it quite amusing, (monsters knocking at the door), although the general impression i got of the monsters was of a traffic light (green skin, flashing yellow and red eyes) with really sharp teeth.

The part about Jane reading from a book is incomplete and feels quite out of place.
[n/a] raven_the_poet @ 216.45.130.159 > Niphredil | 2-Apr-06/1:44 PM | Reply
I'll try to edit some later if I get a better idea.
Thanks for the comment.
[7] Ranger @ 86.131.60.114 | 3-Apr-06/2:04 AM | Reply
Line 19 ('arteries') seems to be without a rhyming partner line, have I missed it?
Nice style of writing, as has been said it's not the most gripping subject matter (it felt like you were playing a computer game in some places) but then again, master art takes mundane and mediocre themes and turns them into fantastic works.
Keep writing, you've got great potential!
[n/a] raven_the_poet @ 216.45.130.159 > Ranger | 3-Apr-06/2:16 PM | Reply
Thank you ^_^
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