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Through a childs eyes (Free verse) by little_angel_maria Walking down the street,
fog gets in her eyes,
the night is dark and cold,
she doesn't know where to go,
she doesn't know what to do,and there's not a car insight,
She prays to find,
somewhere she can stay,
someplace warm,
someplace she'll feel safe,
somewhere she can feel happy,
oh poor girl of the night,
The fog is now getting more intense,
and this girl of the night is getting frightened,
it's now three a.m in the morning,
and she's still walking by herself,
there's a car behind her with two strange men calling her,
oh poor girl of the night,
why don't you stop and rest for a while,
she prays to find:
somewhere she can stay,
somewhere warm,
someplace she'll feel safe,
somewhere she can feel happy,
Oh poor girl of the night,
The fog is now getting more intense,
and this girl of the night is getting very scared,
it's now three a.m in the morning and shes still walking by herself,
and the two starnge men are still calling her,
oh poor girl of the night,
why don't you stop and rest for a while,
she prays to find:
she prays to find:
somewhere she can stay,
somewhere warm,
someplace she'll feel safe,
somewhere she can feel happy,
oh poor girl of the night
now she gets to a place where it brings up memories of things that had
gone of in the past,
she bends down and cries and says "why oh why" as people start to appear
and stroll around her she can't believe things happend so fast..........
tears start to fall down her face how, where and why where her only
question,
the fog has now gone, and the morning has now come,
the sun is starting to appear this girl of the night cannot be seen so
she finds somewhere to hide,
somewhere she can spend the day in,
somewhere to think of the things that had happend so fast,
for in the night she will appear yet again,
oh this poor girl of the night.
Up the ladder:
1a. Awaken
Down the ladder:
Parrallelogram Perry Como
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.3333333
Posted: July 6, 2006 9:16 PM PDT; Last modified: July 6, 2006 9:16 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.8013287 Overall Rank: 11170 Comments:
[5]
Dovina @ 70.38.78.229
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7-Jul-06/8:21 AM
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Reply
A good story, but saying "this poor girl" is overkill. Leave a few things for the reader to figure out and he'll be more impressed and less insulted. This could be shortened and made rhythmic to better effect. Still, it's good material and worthy of work.
As I started reading the beginning of this poem I was immediately reminded of Phil Colin's song 'Another Day In Paradise'. I'm tempted to believe you took your story from there. Excuse me if I'm wrong.
And I can't understand how conveniently this poor girl could suddenly find place during the day but at night she had none. Ref is to the line, 'this girl of the night cannot be seen so she finds somewhere to hide,' I am not overly impressed with your presentation. You have good potential at writing, and you need to polish your talent. Like Dovina has stated, shorten your lines and get the beat flowing. You'll be amazed by what you can do.
ok thank you very much i appreciate all your good critics i love writting poetry and wish to get better at it
The points already made are the fundamental improvements, but I'd also say a couple of other things. In a 'story poem' (like this one), a good way to make it less storylike and more poetic is to reduce the temporal references ('now', 'then', 'next' etc.) and just let the order in which you tell the story show the sequence of events. This will automatically trim the word limit, too.
As Dovina says, don't just show us everything. Stanza 7 is unnecessary - let us work out that she's thinking of the past. Stick with the writing, it's good to see that you're enthusiastic about it and, of course, we'll always leave you a few hints here. 193 view(s)
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