amanda_dcosta8 Jul 2006

As I started reading the beginning of this poem I was immediately reminded of Phil Colin's song 'Another Day In Paradise'. I'm tempted to believe you took your story from there. Excuse me if I'm wrong.

And I can't understand how conveniently this poor girl could suddenly find place during the day but at night she had none. Ref is to the line,

'this girl of the night cannot be seen so
she finds somewhere to hide,'

I am not overly impressed with your presentation. You have good potential at writing, and you need to polish your talent. Like Dovina has stated, shorten your lines and get the beat flowing. You'll be amazed by what you can do.