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A Country Anecdote (Free verse) by Dovina
I have a man who wakes with me. His face is strong and sure. His work is hard, and so his limbs. At night, he makes me purr. We strolled one day in snowy wood, Our quiet home not quite in view, Its curl of smoke and dormered roof, Watched us talk, as we often do. My thoughts began on all we’d done— Left California on a dream, a whim, Built house and farm in Tennessee. Now all complete, we’re settled in. Some fond regrets I entertained, Of city glitz, rewarding work. With happiness and pride to spare, I could not feel a hurt. Green hills peered down on moving dots. Cow tracks meandered toward the spring, Out of sunshine, into shade, and as our feet, Returned to where the grass begins. A rabbit darted down a hole, And with it, every trace of sadness. This farm and man, I thought sincerely, Must be heaven’s better—gladness. “Now tell me, would you rather be,” I said, and took him by the arm, “In California’s office scene, Or here with me upon on this farm?” With careless eyes he looked at me, While still I held his lumpy arm, And said, “In California I’d rather be,” Then turned and led me on. “Now you’re kidding, I know you are,” And tugged his arm to make him pay. But as he trudged past hickory, oak, Said, “Do you remember Sally Faye?” “Of course I do, she came to visit, That boyfriend with her too.” Then he looked at me and said, “Remember the trip I made in June?” Then my man his tongue unlocked, And eased his mind with each reply. The farm turned gray, the house fell down, And all I said was, “Why?” For better lore I seldom yearn, And think of him in little pains. Without his lesson here today, I’d moan of toothache in the rain.

Up the ladder: The Supreme Mind

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.6666665
Weighted score: 5.717177
Overall Rank: 1907
Posted: March 30, 2006 6:57 PM PST; Last modified: March 30, 2006 6:57 PM PST
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Comments:
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 | 31-Mar-06/10:03 AM | Reply
I ask you a simple question and you give me some of the best stuff I've read in quite a while. See, I told you your replies are ace. 10+
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > ALChemy | 31-Mar-06/11:15 AM | Reply
You asked if I lived in Tennessee, and your question inspired thinking along those lines. I enjoy responding more than I enjoy initiating, so thanks for the inspiration. That’s what draws me back to poemranker, even after the prolific guff I’ve gotten here. Speaking of which, you aren’t going to let the wife of god win, are you? I could bounce something back into your court: “Don't forget Dovina and Zodiac's bickering. If watching those to drive each other nuts doesn't make life worthwhile then I don't know what does.”
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > Dovina | 31-Mar-06/6:59 PM | Reply
She's resorted to name calling and purposely misinterpreting everything I say. Unlike you and Zodiac, there is nothing stimulating or intellegent coming from her. She still didn't get the fact that I've been saying about her poems the same crap she's been saying about mine. She is by her own definition a moron. But for your pleasure I may continue the fight.
[10] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44 | 31-Mar-06/10:36 AM | Reply
Beautiful.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > amanda_dcosta | 1-Apr-06/12:22 PM | Reply
Thanks. Any other comment?
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > Dovina | 1-Apr-06/12:34 PM | Reply
Nice ass :)
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > ALChemy | 1-Apr-06/12:43 PM | Reply
I put up what I think is more than half-assed. "Nice ass"? Whatever.
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > Dovina | 1-Apr-06/1:00 PM | Reply
Oh, you meant to your poem? My bad.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > ALChemy | 1-Apr-06/1:14 PM | Reply
You have a vivid imagination and a correct assessment.
(ass essment) without even seeing it. And it was not you whom I was asking for more comments on my poem, since you've already commented. I'm happy for the nice votes, but was fishing for more participation.
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > Dovina | 1-Apr-06/1:29 PM | Reply
Well I'm sure Amanda thinks you've got a nice ass too but it'll be hell trying to get her to admit it.

I guess your just not used to people being so moved by your poetry that they can't think of anything better to say than "Beautiful". Get used to it. It's a good thing.
[8] Ranger @ 86.131.60.114 | 3-Apr-06/1:55 AM | Reply
The only thing I'm not sure about here is that you start in the present tense, then go to reminiscing about the past...and I got the impression that he left you/you left him, in which case he can't wake with you as stanza 1 suggests. I may well have missed something (poems longer than about 3 words always require me to read them twice), if so disregard what I said. If it is the case that the two of you split, change stanza 1 to the past tense.
Also - 'lumpy arm' didn't go down well, not at all graceful. I guess maybe he wasn't graceful, but if you were in love I'm sure you could have found something more flattering.
Other than that, great! It feels rather like a neo-folk song.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > Ranger | 3-Apr-06/10:41 AM | Reply
I wrestled with the tenses, and decided to use present tense in the first and last verses, and past tense in all the others. The real story is past tense. But the reality of it is so close in present thinking that I almost still “have a man who wakes with me.” I understand how that is confusing.
His “lumpy arm” was muscular from hard work. I never thought of it as ungraceful, but I see how you could read it as such.
Thanks for your comments. They give me another perspective on a story that can easily become ingrown and uncommunicative if held inside.
[8] Ranger @ 86.131.52.197 > Dovina | 3-Apr-06/11:28 AM | Reply
Ah, okay I see your meaning in stanza 1 now. Perhaps rather than changing the tense, turn 'I have a man who wakes with me' into something a little more ambiguous. 'I always wake seeing that man...'? A clumsy way of putting it, I know, but with a bit of refining it might work.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > Ranger | 3-Apr-06/12:04 PM | Reply
"Again, I see him wake with me." Thanks, I think that's better.
[8] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 | 20-Apr-06/1:46 PM | Reply
poignant.

line 19 seems a tad too long, had to read it a few times and stick the "our feet" on the next line. i know it is an unnatural break in th line, but line 20 is a little short too, so i guess it helps. other than reworking both lines....
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