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Old Friend (Free verse) by drnick Dear old friend of mine
How I've missed you time-to-time
In the back of my mind
You've been stowed
Won't you sing me a song
I found my dreams are long gone
Somewhere in a letter
I told you so
My mind cannot fathom
Even in post-graduate fashion
Just how or why
I let you go
And as surely as I
Won't let our memories die
Is as surely
As your distance grows
Up the ladder:
I think I'm forgetting it now.
Down the ladder:
test
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Posted: March 28, 2006 12:49 AM PST; Last modified: October 12, 2006 12:10 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.976287 Overall Rank: 8291 Comments:
[7]
ecargo @ 167.219.88.140
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28-Mar-06/7:24 AM
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Reply
Reads like lyrics sans chorus. Not bad. Last verse doesn't scan right.
Hmmm, not bad. It's got a sing song feel to it. And you've put it as free verse.
OOps sorry. Looks like ecargo out did me in my comment. This is a common theme, but when well written, it's worth a read, and you've brought out something in it. Good work.
Cool stuff, I thought the first line of stanza 2 was a bit unoriginal and didn't quite fit with the rest of that stanza. I like the rhyme scheme and the quick rhythm of it. 'My mind cannot fathom even in post-graduate fashion' is a smart line.
I actually think the last stanza might just about hold up...but ecargo is right that it doesn't sound right when read.
Ya, the first line of stanza 2 is a bit lame. I knew it didn't sound quite right, but I couldn't think of anything else so I was hoping someone would help me out. When are you going to post something?
I have a couple still brewing away waiting to be put to paper, and another villanelle to submit, but I've been away recently - and tomorrow I go home for Easter, so maybe over the weekend. I'll have a think about this piece overnight too, see if I can give you a suggestion for that line. Maybe something along the lines of: "Like the radio playing an old song"?
Good to see you posting again, by the way...I'm glad to see the last term hasn't done any harm to your writing!
I like this alot but the last line seems like it's just a filler. Everything else is so personal and sincere that the last line with it's cliche`ness comes across like a Halmark card. Maybe something like "Is as surely as your distance grows".
Hey, I really like that. Would it be wrong of me to use that?
Go ahead. I'm like a drug dealer, first one's always free. :)
I like the first two verses.
But verse three says that even in post-graduate fashion, your mind cannot fathom how you let him/her go, as if post-graduateness affects your ability to fathom such things. In verse three, "our memories" implies that her/his memories are available for you to evaluate as unending as the wind. But these are minor nits. Overall good.
I would hope that one who had assimilated that much information would have had their mind expanded/enlightened in the process, but perhaps that's not the point of college(not to most americans, anyways)?
Yes that was the rather weak comparison I was making, and I'm assuming you meant verse four. I'm trying to think of a better last line.
Yes, Verse 4. Sorry.
Top edit :-)
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