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Because You Love Me (Lyric) by amanda_dcosta It's waking hours.
I walk aimlessly
Wondering where my steps would lead me.
When I hear your voice whisper to me
That you love me.
It's not aimless any more
My steps progress
And my day begins
All because you say you love me.
No matter what I do
during the day
No matter where I go;
the road I take
Hand in hand with you my love,
You make my day,
Because you love me.
Up the ladder:
All hail Discordia?(a true haiku story)
Down the ladder:
Edna's Video Library
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.3636365
Posted: March 30, 2006 12:45 PM PST; Last modified: March 30, 2006 12:45 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.681818 Overall Rank: 1997 Comments:
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amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44
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30-Mar-06/12:46 PM
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Reply
drnick and ecargo.... I hope you find this a good change. Enjoy!
Beautiful, one too many 'loves' though, maybe replace the second one with something else. Other than that, I'm not going to complain about something as sweet as this.
I would only change "You make my day" to something a little more original. Otherwise, it's happy and very sweet. I'm glad you're experimenting with different types of poetry!
This is sweet. I would delete the word "me" almost every time it appears, though.
I think "Waking Hours" would make a better title than a first line.
Comma after "aimlessly" Comma after "me" Period after "more" Comma after "go"
This is very sweet like Zodiac said but you might want to think of a slightly different title and phrase than "Because you love me" because Celine Dion has a hit song by the same name. I assume this is a poem to God. Which I like because of my prior arguments that believing in God is simular to being in love. 8 for now but more if you change the title/phrase slightly.
Alchemy, full marks to you and JK Tyres! You seemed to understand this perfectly well.
As for the title, I don't think I aught to change it just because Celine Dion has a song by that title. Aren't there innumerable lovely girls by the name Amanda. That doesn't change the fact that my content is original. Although I could agree with Dovina that the title 'waking hours' might sound more apt, by way of relating to the poem, rather than it being a title of someone else's song. All the same, thanks all of you for the instant votes. I'm surprised that it's pretty quick.
"I don't think I aught to change it just because Celine Dion has a song by that title."
Actually, um, you ought to. Sure, it would have been a good title, and sure Celine's song is awful and totally different. But the fact is that probably half the people who read this thought, ick, that's Celine Dion's title. Do you want people to think that? No. It's not about what people have the right to think about your poem, or whether they're right thinking about it. It's that people DO and WILL associate this with Celine Dion and think it's unoriginal. You don't want that. Not when it's wasting a wonderful opportunity to make up your own phrase/title and maybe have it become as popular as Celine's.
There are different ways to looking at it. Why now think 'Wow! if only Celine Deon's awful song was as wonderful as this!' Why not change your way of looking at things. Does it has to be the other way round just because that's the usual norm? We need to change the way we look at things as change is the essence of growth.
The point is, that's the way people DO look at things. Where you had a chance to invent your own title/phrase/whatever and score originality points, your readers saw this and said, oh, Celine's title, well that's not very original.
This is pretty good, although it was obvious to me that this is about jebus/"God." I do appreciate that you didn't mention that explicitly in the poem, though. It might not be a bad idea to keep the name out from now on so your poems can be related-to by those of us who dont believe in Santa.
Thank you drnick for your critique. You might find it more comfortable this way.....but you will see the name of Jesus in most of my poems.... even the one coming next. I don't think my freedom of expression in poetry can be stopped by anything or anyone. It's just that it's in me! The name of Jesus!
And P.S.. Santa did not die for me. Jesus did! All the same, thank you for looking this poem up. Hope you get to like my style.
Because this read so heartfelt and genuine it seemed elevated from greeting card style poetry to something more and i find myself drawn to the simplicity of it.
I guess I'm saying simplicity can work - i think the meter helps and it would be even better with a couple of killer lines (less basic). It needs a core, a heart. The end line normally would make you sound dependant on someone else to feel loved but it kind of works for me though why do you love him? give us a reason and make the love tangible and felt more. Pretty good, flawed yet lovely.
Cadacus... thanks a ton for your vote and critique. I'm priveledged to have your vote on my page which I normally do not see around.
As for wanting to know why I love him... I don't specify that, as what matters to me is the fact that I am loved no matter what. 'The road I take' means that however I live my life... good or bad, I'm still loved, irrespective of whether or how much I love him. That's the love of God. Even if I might not believe in Him, He still believes in me! 351 view(s)
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