poemranker ::Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy) by ecargo

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Free verse № 141566

Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy)

Member since 2002 · Posted 29 Mar 2006 · 7 comments

My pink girl flies off the verge of the world, all aplomb. I stand numb, watch her surge down the throat of the plunge. She chases the sweeping cirrus clouds that swirl like windflung feathers, outraces the deepening shadow shroud over white-faced hills, braver than her brothers. The wind’s loose grasp unfurls her, spins her short curls to coronas, shining, sunstreaking raspberry girl, her long shadow streaming behind her, alone as I, clinging frozen to this whitest of walls, until her echoing laughter reminds me how to fly off the rim in a glorious fall.

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mean 8.50 weighted 6.75 rank 459 views 413 View voting details →

10 votes so far. Yours would make 11.10 votes so far

A favorite of Niphredil.

7 comments

[10] Niphredil 29-Mar-06/2:57 PM Reply
This is such a wonderful piece of work! It's so vibrant and exudes so much joie de vivre that it even had the power to perk me up after a long day of tedious resistors and capacitors.

Am I the first comment? Yay me. -10- + fave.
[n/a] ecargo › Niphredil 30-Mar-06/10:03 AM Reply
Thanks. :)
[7] matt door 29-Mar-06/6:31 PM Reply
Seems tired - like it's been done before now? It is a good poem - just not striking - "white-faced hills" and "rasberry girl" seems to have been written before? Or is it just my feeble mind?
[n/a] ecargo › matt door 30-Mar-06/9:57 AM Reply
Well, let's see--"raspberry girl" yields 500 hits on a Google search of the term, so, yes, probably a little overdone. "white-faced hills" yields no hits, so probably not in common parlance.

Reasonable crit if it weren't so petty and obviously prompted because I didn't cream over your little poeme. That's cool--if you can't take crits I won't bother offering any. Buhbye.
[10] ALChemy 30-Mar-06/9:12 AM Reply
You show the terror and delite you feel when watching over a child perfectly. Terror for their safety and delite for their glee. Then you take off into wonderment and end with a self discovery. Not bad at all for a twee. -10-
[9] Ranger 30-Mar-06/12:32 PM Reply
This is top stuff, although I had to read it twice. I could tell it was a upbeat poem, but it could very easily have the complete opposite meaning (relating in particular to a friend of mine, otherwise I probably wouldn't have seen a darker side to it) and I thought it a shame to give such a negative reading to a great piece like this =D
[9] zodiac 30-Mar-06/1:46 PM Reply
Not bad. I would shorten or tweak the "brothers" line and end the sentence after "walls". The internal rhyme in the first stanza is especially good.