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The Obelisk (Free verse) by MacFrantic Looming
Damning high
Tame the pompous sun
Rise up at such heights
Like all that obsidian
Clap the moaning wind
For scalloped might
And peppering
It is a shallow lean
Where shadows come sing
Cloud bearer
Far lengthy pyramid
Doubts unbound
It almost hymns
Rumbles deep and proud
Order
Disorder nigh
The fall for fearful eye
Watch the tower bend
In lapsed collapsing ends
Up the ladder:
you turned me evil
Down the ladder:
The Long-Tailed Bird
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: April 1, 2006 8:32 PM PST; Last modified: April 1, 2006 8:32 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.2384057 Overall Rank: 4068 Comments:
[9]
patty t @ 70.30.214.253
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1-Apr-06/10:59 PM
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Reply
love how the last line collapses
Good description, nicely vivid. Is there another meaning that I'm not seeing? The last line is great to read aloud.
Some interesting word choices--pompous sun/damning high, scalloped might. "like all that obsidian" implies you're comparing something to an obelisk, but I'm not sure what. Some of the lines could be tweaked to be stronger, more direct (not sure about "peppering," for example; also, seems like "far lengthy" could be replaced by a single adjective). I like the collapsing ending too.
Very cool and very assured.
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