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The Obelisk (Free verse) by MacFrantic

Looming Damning high Tame the pompous sun Rise up at such heights Like all that obsidian Clap the moaning wind For scalloped might And peppering It is a shallow lean Where shadows come sing Cloud bearer Far lengthy pyramid Doubts unbound It almost hymns Rumbles deep and proud Order Disorder nigh The fall for fearful eye Watch the tower bend In lapsed collapsing ends

ecargo 3-Apr-06/8:33 AM
Some interesting word choices--pompous sun/damning high, scalloped might. "like all that obsidian" implies you're comparing something to an obelisk, but I'm not sure what. Some of the lines could be tweaked to be stronger, more direct (not sure about "peppering," for example; also, seems like "far lengthy" could be replaced by a single adjective). I like the collapsing ending too.




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