| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Quiet Hands (Free verse) by Sunny I am going to freeze this clock,
these hands will droop like stagnant breath-
something scarred these hands
into coma. They levitate behind a plastic frame;
the arms stick to that very breath of time.
The peeping bird shuts-off itsâ
back-âforth routine, and the mother,
in her complacent gown,
watches the milk
become colder while frozen fingers
are in limbo inside duty and this eternal pause,
cementing her feet to the stance
the clock left them. Babyâs mouth
is opened without the screech; time quit in the seconds
that lie between an attempt and a wail.
Up the ladder:
a lie
Down the ladder:
Dear Dad, Dear Mom, Dear Me
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.3333335
Posted: March 30, 2006 9:44 AM PST; Last modified: March 30, 2006 9:44 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.3585887 Overall Rank: 3319 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
While I see what's going on, the details seem too vague for such trauma. And the ending seems like the wail should come before the attempt, that is if the baby dies of choking. But again, that is uncertain.
Niphredil got it spot on by suggesting you don't repeat words (not so soon, anyway). I also found it interesting that the first stanza could be put directly in front of the last, and with the addition of a little punctuation it would work nicely. I'd love to see if you could apply this to the whole poem; work it so that any stanza could lead straight into any other.
I found the line breaks a little disruptive, but that could easily just be my way of reading it.
Clocks should almost never be used in poetry. Especially not as symbols of time stopping or moving on.
195 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Critique: the repetition of "these hands" in S1 is redundant. Lose one, or replace with an alternative description. Also, "the arms" in line 5 contribute to repetitiveness. You don't want to bore the reader.
In addition, "these hands droop like stagnant breath"... the droopiness implies movement. I couldn't reconcile the drooping hands with the hands in a coma; they should be frozen stiff, not sag.
shuts-off - the hyphen not necessary.
My favorite bits were the 'complacent gown', and I really loved the last stanza. Good work!