poemranker ::Quiet Hands by Sunny

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Free verse № 141597

Quiet Hands

by Sunny

Member since 2006 · Posted 30 Mar 2006 · 4 comments

I am going to freeze this clock, these hands will droop like stagnant breath- something scarred these hands into coma. They levitate behind a plastic frame; the arms stick to that very breath of time. The peeping bird shuts-off its’ back-‘forth routine, and the mother, in her complacent gown, watches the milk become colder while frozen fingers are in limbo inside duty and this eternal pause, cementing her feet to the stance the clock left them. Baby’s mouth is opened without the screech; time quit in the seconds that lie between an attempt and a wail.

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A favorite of Sunny.

4 comments

[8] Niphredil 30-Mar-06/11:28 AM Reply
This is an interesting piece in that although the concept of stopping time is very common, you give a vivid and fascinating rendering of this which is definitely worth a read.

Critique: the repetition of "these hands" in S1 is redundant. Lose one, or replace with an alternative description. Also, "the arms" in line 5 contribute to repetitiveness. You don't want to bore the reader.

In addition, "these hands droop like stagnant breath"... the droopiness implies movement. I couldn't reconcile the drooping hands with the hands in a coma; they should be frozen stiff, not sag.

shuts-off - the hyphen not necessary.

My favorite bits were the 'complacent gown', and I really loved the last stanza. Good work!
[7] Dovina 30-Mar-06/11:41 AM Reply
While I see what's going on, the details seem too vague for such trauma. And the ending seems like the wail should come before the attempt, that is if the baby dies of choking. But again, that is uncertain.
[8] Ranger 30-Mar-06/1:00 PM Reply
Niphredil got it spot on by suggesting you don't repeat words (not so soon, anyway). I also found it interesting that the first stanza could be put directly in front of the last, and with the addition of a little punctuation it would work nicely. I'd love to see if you could apply this to the whole poem; work it so that any stanza could lead straight into any other.
I found the line breaks a little disruptive, but that could easily just be my way of reading it.
[7] zodiac 30-Mar-06/1:42 PM Reply
Clocks should almost never be used in poetry. Especially not as symbols of time stopping or moving on.