Replying to a comment on:

Quiet Hands (Free verse) by Sunny

I am going to freeze this clock, these hands will droop like stagnant breath- something scarred these hands into coma. They levitate behind a plastic frame; the arms stick to that very breath of time. The peeping bird shuts-off its’ back-‘forth routine, and the mother, in her complacent gown, watches the milk become colder while frozen fingers are in limbo inside duty and this eternal pause, cementing her feet to the stance the clock left them. Baby’s mouth is opened without the screech; time quit in the seconds that lie between an attempt and a wail.

Niphredil 30-Mar-06/11:28 AM
This is an interesting piece in that although the concept of stopping time is very common, you give a vivid and fascinating rendering of this which is definitely worth a read.

Critique: the repetition of "these hands" in S1 is redundant. Lose one, or replace with an alternative description. Also, "the arms" in line 5 contribute to repetitiveness. You don't want to bore the reader.

In addition, "these hands droop like stagnant breath"... the droopiness implies movement. I couldn't reconcile the drooping hands with the hands in a coma; they should be frozen stiff, not sag.

shuts-off - the hyphen not necessary.

My favorite bits were the 'complacent gown', and I really loved the last stanza. Good work!




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001