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Buried in the Booth (edit) (Prose Poem) by drnick
She sat across the table from him in a booth at a club where you couldn' t distinguish which was thicker: the smoke of what seemed to be eighty four soggy cigarettes or the smooth rhythms that touched your most primal of places. Any patron passing by would either think she was humoring the guy or consider asking her who had next. She had a mistress' beauty to her-the kind you didn't want to recognize because you knew she'd take advantage of you for it. The way she fit into that booth and the way she smiled both said that she knew something that you didn't. When that smile didn't fade, you knew she was either using it against you or against everybody in the room. The hazy lights of the club, like spotlights in the fog, made her eyes glow in a suspiciously perfect fashion. Her hair was a perfect blonde; alive, like fields of wheat on a breezy summer afternoon. Her lips looked like flush, strawberry-red pillows that were so vibrant they made everything else seem grayscale. He immediately fell into his routine of extreme sarcasm and flirtatious insults that would normally scare away the venomous beauty. However, this dame saw right through his jaded demeanor, and he found himself searching desperately for rebuttals like a comedian searching for laughs from a sleeping crowd. He was profoundly interested, his mind buzzing with the same frantic fury of a broken beehive. While they continued their robust conversation, his mind would return to ponder why a girl of such perplexity had found interest in his existence. He guessed that perhaps she had found him to be so utterly pathetic that it was amusing to her. As the conversation became more and more personal, their chemistry matched that of the singer's sweet voice skipping over the smooth, melodic bass line coming from the stage. He began to relax, became domesticated, and before he could wipe the sweat from his brow she glided across the table like a valkyrie and kissed him hard on the lips. It had felt like God had reached down to manually pump the blood through his body. He could hardly breathe, let alone do anything sufficient with his lips or tongue to satisfy her. When their embrace was through, he was afraid to open his eyes again; afraid to break this dream. He wanted to crawl up and die in that moment, in that booth-it couldn't last. When courage found him his eyes opened up like the heavy doors of a mortuary. She was gone, and much like his heart, her cigarette was left smoking in the ashtray with not more than a hit or two missing from it. And while he no longer had an excuse to remain, he laid back deep into the booth, into the melancholy, and let out a most familiar sigh. He carefully eyed the cigarette as he rolled it between his fingers, and then pulled it as if he was trying to capture the feeling left lingering in the air. It was as if they ended right at the plot twist right at the climax of a novel...just as she intended. And as the band was packing up their equipment, the regulars left their tips, and he ordered himself his first drink.

Up the ladder: do be do wop bob

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5934
Posted: February 22, 2006 6:21 PM PST; Last modified: March 29, 2006 9:44 PM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] drnick @ 24.176.22.254 | 22-Feb-06/6:23 PM | Reply
Hopefully someone will take the time to read this...I know I wouldn't.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 22-Feb-06/7:13 PM | Reply
I was disappointed that you didn't build on, "which was thicker: the smoke or the smooth rhythms."

I like this part: "She was gone,and much like his heart, her cigarette was left smoking in the ashtray"

But too much of it tells us what is going on, which is ok in some poems, but not in a story. Lines like, "He immediately fell into his routine of extreme sarcasm
and politically incorrect dialect" could better be replaced with story.

Some parts give so many comparisons, it's dizzying: "The hazy lights of the club,like spotlights in the fog, made her eyes glow like the deep ocean under moonlight." Fewer words, please.


[n/a] drnick @ 24.176.22.254 > Dovina | 22-Feb-06/10:15 PM | Reply
Ya, it started as a story I wrote but then made the sentences into verses. I don't think it's that simple =]. I need to go through it and clean it up. I'll keep in mind what you've said.
[n/a] Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.77 | 23-Feb-06/12:15 AM | Reply
I would agree you need to tidy it up, or cut out the line breaks and call it a prose poem, as a small tightly written story it could be great.

But consider.

"It had felt like
god
had reached down
to manually pump
the blood through his body."

This is an excellent image, one of the strongest in the poem, but it would be better if you dropped the 'had' and left it in the present tense, also god should be God, if you mean the middle eastern deity who is the one and only of his kind, however if you are referring to simply one member of a pantheon then it should 'a god' or 'some god'

I will refrain from commenting on any other stanzas
[9] Ranger @ 88.106.139.102 | 23-Feb-06/4:53 AM | Reply
This has some fucking awesome phrases in; the first stanza in particular got me going straight away. It's already been said, but I also think that this is at heart a prose poem - you put in a lot of description which makes it a long read when split into verses. Put together in prose form would make it easier, I think, for the reader to get through the description.
Anyway, I have more to say about this but I'm on a friend's laptop at the moment and I find laptops in general bleedin' awkward to use, so when I get home I shall return to this poem.
[8] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.37 | 26-Feb-06/10:37 AM | Reply
I'd say that this was a good write. Sometimes a writer finds it hard to put into word what he has in mind, but I think you did a pretty good job at this. Like Dovina said, a bit of less description would make it better. Good work!
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 10-Mar-06/2:45 PM | Reply
I've just remembered I said I'd come back to comment again on this; first things first, I can't get your 'Dead Poet's Dream' out of my head!
As for this one; well aside from feeling prose-y, I can't find fault with it. Personally, I like lots of description in some poems - and you do it very well here. Stanza 5 = genius, in my opinion. And the penultimate and concluding stanzas work perfectly with the feel of the piece; a sort of resigned satisfaction.
I hope I don't sound pretentious or patronising, but your writing has got so much better in recent posts!
[n/a] drnick @ 24.176.22.254 > Ranger | 12-Mar-06/6:06 PM | Reply
thank you, my good friend. sorry that i've been away for a while...ive lost inspiration recently, as well as being buried in homework. ill be back soon, though.
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 30-Mar-06/1:40 PM | Reply
Yes, a very smooth edit. It works much better as a piece of prose. I feel that maybe in a couple of places you'd do well to add in an occasional shorter sentence to link the longer passages together a little more clearly; but see how other people read this first. Also, you could seperate the last bit from the rest:
'...the regulars left their tips

And he ordered himself his first drink.'
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