Blue Magpie23 Feb 2006

I would agree you need to tidy it up, or cut out the line breaks and call it a prose poem, as a small tightly written story it could be great.

But consider.

"It had felt like
god
had reached down
to manually pump
the blood through his body."

This is an excellent image, one of the strongest in the poem, but it would be better if you dropped the 'had' and left it in the present tense, also god should be God, if you mean the middle eastern deity who is the one and only of his kind, however if you are referring to simply one member of a pantheon then it should 'a god' or 'some god'

I will refrain from commenting on any other stanzas